Why Worrying Just Doesn’t Help

By Ivan Kelly

If it wasn’t so stressful and energy-draining, worrying about relationship problems might be considered a national past-time since so many people seem to be so willing to spend so much time doing it!

Worrying about relationships and other aspects of your life is NOT the most fruitful approach.

As anxiety increases (our body is trying to protect us in the face of a perceived threat) we often become LESS able to cope.

When faced with MILD anxiety, the fear of not doing well may cause us to be more focused on the steps we know are needed.

For instance, worrying about disapproval or rejection or the likelihood of failure if studies are not attended to; a diet is not followed; training for a sporting event is not completed; a job interview is badly handled, or debts are not paid, may stir us to action.

However, it can happen that we DON’T KNOW what steps to take to improve things and anxiety builds up, causing a sort of paralysis.

Then the outcome is likely to be downhill all the way.

We feel a growing sense of alarm, stress and anxiety, which can also affect our health and make us vulnerable to fatigue and illness.

Even if we know what needs to be done, needless to say we don’t perform very well in this condition. We respond coolly to others, or nag and complain…

Our partners get the sharp end of our tongue; we freeze up in exams and don’t do our best; job interviews are handled badly and more, many more situations in our daily lives bring results well below what we know we can do.

A famous golfer (you’ll understand if I don’t name him) once went into the last stage of a Masters Tournament with a six stroke lead. He lost by 5 strokes!

Many others have had similar experiences – crashing when it counted most!

However, when we expect a GOOD outcome our bodies respond very differently – we are relaxed, enthused, energized, and confident.

And the results we get reflect those good feelings.

When we expect to receive a proposal of marriage, get a promotion at work, inherit a fortune from a distant relative, meet the partner of our dreams, or make a million bucks, etc – that’s exhilarating. We’re enthusiastic about our lives, the sun shines brighter and the world appears to be a much happier place.

Expecting success helps us to be more successful. Not only are we calmer, more at ease, we become more alert to the opportunities that are opening up and more of them appear to be possible.

The problem is how can we expect success when our everyday lives tell us that something awful is far more likely? That our relationships are far less satisfying than we want? That our future looks even worse than the present?

There IS a way we can get past our worries and enjoy life more. We CAN enjoy far better relationships and be happier. And it isn’t difficult.

A number of useful books have been written to show readers HOW they can get past their relationship problems and gain more love and harmony. The best of these will describe simple processes, and examples, that readers can easily follow and quickly apply to make a HUGE difference in their lives. Check this out:

Being apart in a long distance relationship will often result in a lot of stress and anxiety that not only can be avoided but, if approached the right way, can actually “make the heart grow fonder”.

With the advantage of modern technology that includes video connections on computers and telephones, messaging facilities on cell phones and online shopping and delivery, there are many aids to long distance relationships that modern couple can enjoy which were simply unheard of in the days of our not so distant ancestors.

Of special concern to many is the possibility that our partner will be exposed to overwhelming temptations, and even cheat, while they are away from us. If this is a minor concern, frequent contact with messaging, telephone calls and video link will be very helpful in helping to sustain and build a loving relationship. When you view the separation with a sense of calm rather than alarm, there are many tools available to help sustain the relationship.

If you are finding the separation to be especially stressful, it is important to understand that the anxiety being experienced has its origins in perception and arises from the way you look at the world. That is, you are responding to thoughts and expectations that tour partner may be cheating on you or is simply losing interest.

This does not mean that they are behaving badly or that their feelings are cooling. It indicates that you are allowing negative thoughts to evoke negative feelings. Invariably, decisions and choices that we make when we are feeling anxious, angry, resentful, hurt, sad, lonely, and the like, will point us in a direction that is away from what we really want.

For instance, if we are resentful towards an absent partner, we are tempted to be surly, cool, distant, suspicious and critical. Acting in this way towards another stirs resentment in the one on the receiving end of our ire.

Do they feel more loving when being treated this way? More likely they are inclined to retaliate, in turn causing you to feel more resentful!

Notice that what caused us to feel resentment in the first place were our perceptions of the situation. The thoughts we entertained may have been based on little more than our own insecurities and other attitudes and expectations that we hold which shape our perception of the world.

The ideas we accept mold the way we see events and the way we interpret what we see. If we see a rosy picture, we feel joyous and expect a happy outcome. If our view is a gloomy one, our prospects also appear dark and we feel anxious and threatened.

Anxiety in a long distance relationship is something we CAN control and overcome when we understand the way it works and what can be done about it. The flow on benefit is that it helps us in all sorts of ways and not only when we are apart from our loved ones. We also learn how to create an infinitely better world for ourselves and feel more in control of our lives.