by Sakurako Kitsa

Question by kdub: My boyfriend is recently divorced and is in a huge custody battle for his kids. How can I support him?
My boyfriend is recently divorced for one year and our relationship is getting really close. He has two children that he adores and his ex spouse is trying to take them away from him out of spite of our relationship. How can I support him and how can we get through this?

Best answer:

Answer by panda
listen and don’t bad mouth her no matter what. ( in front of him )

Give your answer to this question below!

Advertising executive, Carol Fena has been in and out of a relationship with banker, Neal for the last two years. They break up for a week or two but then keep getting back together until the next blow-up. Carol’s friends can’t understand why she keeps going back to Neal and why she is so addicted to him in spite of the fact that he is emotionally abusive.

Many are the people caught in the web of addictive relationships. And often, we ourselves realise that we have been in relationships that have disappointed us in some way or another… relationships that didn’t work out the way we had hoped, wanted or thought they would. And, we’re not just talking about intimate and love relationships. We’re talking about toxic friends, back stabbing relatives, abusive partners and controlling family members, vicious colleagues.

Sometimes the poisoned relationship is with a family member or an in-law. Or perhaps a friendship has lived out its purpose. In this case, so much time has been invested in the friendship that it is hard to let go. However, addictive relationships are most often evident in romantic interactions between men and women.

UNMET EMOTIONAL NEEDS

Remaining in a bad relationship not only causes continual stress but can also cloud your life with frustration, emptiness and despair. It can drain your energy and make you tense and stressed. Addicts become so elaborately enmeshed in the other person that the sense of self-personal identity is severely restricted, crowded out by that other person’s identity and problems. Such people struggle relentlessly to fill the great emotional vacuum within themselves. Despite the pain of these relationships, many rational and practical people find that they are unable to leave, even though they know the relationship is bad for them.

One part of them wants out but a seemingly stronger part refuses or feels helpless to take any action. It is in this sense that the relationships are addictive. In case of romantic relationships, entering a relationship based on the fear of being alone is totally self-destructive.

In this type of scenario, an individual will choose to be with just about anybody to fill the void he/she has in life. Desperation for love and romance to fulfill your desires may lead to selection of wrong partners. So, if you use your fears and insecurities to make your relationship decisions, you inevitably will have to suffer pain and suffering.

ATTACHMENT HUNGER

A person who is excessively attached to another person most likely carried those habits over from past relationships. The conditions in past relationships can leave a person feeling inadequate or mentally and/or physically abused.

Romantic relationships are not the only type that causes such habits to develop; they can also stem from lack of nurturing or attention during childhood, isolation or detachment from family, early abandonment, unrecognised early needs and fears of rejection. Often, children who are not loved, nurtured and encouraged in their independence are left feeling ‘needy’ as adults and may thus be more vulnerable to dependent relationships.

These ‘clingy’ feelings which develop early in childhood, often operate without awareness and can exert considerable influence on a person’s life. Often, dysfunctional relationship patterns are passed on from parents to their children.

Thus, unhealthy relationships can be a source of great agony if there is emotional or physical abuse involved. Often, relation addicts do not want to see or believe that their parents, spouses, children or friends can be a toxic influence in their life. This kind of denial may last a lifetime, or it may give way to a painful awareness that the relationship is not healthy. Also, for many people caught in this trap, it is often a vicious circle. For them, the end of one relationship is not always the end of the battle.

They choose destructive relationships over and over again. The consequences of their choices are painful and emotionally damaging, yet those that engage in this repetitive behaviour never seem to learn from their experience.

BREAKING THE CYCLE OF BAD RELATIONSHIPS

All relationships leave very important clues about who and what we are. Try to remember all the relationships that you know have been bad for you. Think of the relationship history and look for patterns, themes and repeating incidents. “If it is all about everyone else and what they did to you, it means you are a victim, helpless to affect change. When you can see where you are contributing to the problems, you can make changes.

Personal accountability is the most empowering tool for healing. You can talk to a trusted friend or a counsellor depending upon the severity of your situation. Sometimes having an outsider’s perspective is helpful. Such a person can help you filter through your options and underlying motives for making a decision.

Often, it is difficult to sever ties with people with whom you are emotionally involved - say family members, spouses, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. Breaking up will not be easy. Be sure to resolve any guilt you might be feeling. Too often we let other people relate to us on the basis of our weaknesses and faults. We are attracted to bad traits in people and consequently, these characteristics lead to unhealthy relationships. These people have no other way of relating to us.

It will take some re-learning and re-conditioning to achieve this change of relating to others through our strengths, especially if the negative relationship has been long term. You have to let go of negative relationships. It could mean you have to break a business partnership. It could mean you need to call off an engagement. It might require you to avoid toxic friends and acquire some new friends who are true to you.

STAYING IN A BAD MARRIAGE

Married people stay together to work out their issues. This approach to marriage counselling believes that your partner is the right person to help you heal your wounds. With this approach, many marriages can be saved. However, there are three reasons to leave a relationship: The Three As. There is severe abuse, severe adultery and severe addiction.

These three extreme conditions rarely change. In such cases, getting out of the relationship is important. You are putting yourself, and possibly others, in serious jeopardy if you continue to stay in the relationship. Divorce in such cases is merited. Also, partners sometimes stay in bad marriages for the sake of the children. But this can be a big mistake if there is abuse involved, because doing so puts a terrible burden on the children.

But marriage experts believe that each marriage has different issues and if the problems can be solved amicably, there is no need for divorce. A study conducted by sociologist Linda Waite at University of Chicago suggests that staying together is better for the children. She writes in The Case for Marriage that “most current divorces leave children worse off, educationally and financially, than they would have been if their parents stayed married, and a majority of divorces leave children psychologically worse off as well.

Only a minority of divorces are taking place in families where children are likely to benefit in any way from their parents’ separation. I do not advocate divorce as a first step when a marriage is going awry. There are always ups and downs in a marriage. Anyone can manage life during good times. It is getting through the bad times that makes or breaks a relationship.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

It is not difficult to break bad relationship habits. Once you decide to let go off your clingy nature, healing will automatically come. Once you aim to heal your past and maintain healthy relationships, you will automatically stay away from associating with toxic people.

Always try to keep your relationships healthy. People in healthy relationships grow together and don’t stunt each other’s progress. Learn to respect your individuality and give and take space. Sometimes we have to associate with negative people, but if you have a healthy self-esteem and courage to stand up for yourself, you won’t be affected by such people.

Thus, the first step towards breaking bad relationship habits is having a strong conception of your own identity. Often, we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. So, if you feel contempt for yourself or think very little of yourself, you may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to you.

Learn to recognise such patterns in your life and pluck them off. There will be anger, resentment, hurt and pain. But, you will be breaking your psychological dependency on other people. Recovering from relationship addiction is a process of acknowledging and then letting go of pain, and finding ways to build a happy life.

OVERCOMING RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION

1) Make your ‘recovery’ the first priority in your life. Look for roots of emotional abuse.

2) Go through your early relationships. Tell yourself that you’re an adult now, in charge of your life. Invest your time in disconnecting from the emotions that have been eating you alive.

3) Cultivate whatever needs to be developed in yourself, i.e., fill in gaps that have made you feel undeserving or bad about yourself.

4) Learn to stop managing and controlling others; by being more focused on your own needs; you will no longer need to seek security from others.

5) Develop your spiritual side, i.e., find out what brings you peace and serenity and commit some time, at least half an hour daily, to that endeavour.

6) Learn not to get hooked into bad relationships.

7) Find a support group of friends who understand the pressures you might be facing.

Consider getting professional help, if need arises.

Do you often find that you involve yourself in relationships that disappoint you? Are you not getting what you need and desire from the people you choose to date? Does there always seem to be something missing? If you answered yes to one or all of those questions, you could very well be addicted to disappointing and bad relationships, setting yourself up for failure without even knowing it. There are ways you can determine whether you are addicted or not, and ways you can break the addiction and start getting what you have always wanted from a relationship.

Before we cover the symptoms of addiction, it is important that we cover the dangers of staying in a bad relationship. Since bad relationships lack what one or both partners’ need, stress becomes a regular part of your life, as well a gradual lowering of your self-esteem, which will make you unable to focus on your career and personal life with the concentration and care needed, in order for you to be happy. The constant stress will produce chemical changes in your body that drain your energy and make you more eligible for physical illnesses.

Physical abuse in a relationship is obvious to cause a lot of physical harm, along with great psychological damage, but in spite of these facts, many people still choose to proceed with such relationships, finding themselves trapped and incapable of leaving. They find themselves depressed, on a search for some relief and unfortunately becoming depressed and possibly turning to drugs and alcohol.

So what are the symptoms of this addiction? Ignoring the truth would be one. If you truly know that the relationship you are in is making you unhappy but make no effort to exit from it, then you are in denial and are holding yourself hostage in a situation you do not have to be in. Making excuses for your partner’s disappointing and bad behavior will keep you trapped and is another huge symptom of bad relationship addiction, especially if the excuses you produce do not back up the facts and are unrealistic.

If you do finally build up the courage to confront your partner to leave him or her but are overcome with fear and therefore back off from the confrontation, you are a high and sure victim of addiction because no matter what you attempt, you find yourself always giving in and holding on to what you know is bad for you. Suffering from both physical and mental discomfort once broken up, unless you get back together, is yet another symptom of addiction and should not be denied or ignored.

What causes addiction to bad relationships? There are several levels and everyone’s addiction is different and varies. One common reason is the feeling and belief that if you end the relationship, you will never find anyone else who could possibly be interested in you or love you. You grow so attached to your partner that you forgot your life before him or her, making you feel fearful of being on your own and taking care of yourself.

Fear of criticism is another reason many people remain in bad relationships. They are afraid of what people will say, believing that ending a relationship means that they are a failure and being alone is unacceptable and terrifying. Other reasons may be financial support that you are receiving from a partner, making you feel that you should tolerate bad behavior from your lover, since they are supporting you.

Having a child together can also blind you or cause you to deny a bad relationship, making you feel guilty for leaving your child’s mother or father. On a deeper level, you could be addicted to disappointing and bad relationships due to your upbringing or experiences as a child yourself. Perhaps you were not nurtured or loved enough and you now think it is normal to be neglected from love, care and understanding.

What should you do and how can you break a bad relationship addiction? Since this addiction is difficult and basically impossible for you to end on your own, counseling would be the best assistance for you. Find a counselor or service in which experts provide their services through, and take that first step in accepting the fact that you have an addiction and that you need and want help to conquer it. Start being a best friend to yourself and open the door to all the feelings you have kept locked up for so long.

Stay focused and encourage yourself frequently by setting a goal, and picturing yourself away from all the disappointment and closer to all the happiness and good health you need, desire and deserve as a person. Never give up and know that you are not alone. There are people who can help you, know how to help and will help you. Mainly, keep in mind that there will always be a person who will be by your side and never leave you, always giving you the strength, love and support you need… and that person is YOU.

Paul is the owner of
http://attached-dating.blogspot.com/
Attached and dating is an educational Blog about human sexuality, dating and relationships.

Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

Read the information on this page before it’s too late:

Gain More Love and Harmony – Now!

Perhaps your relationship broke up such a long time ago that you have begun to lose hope of ever getting back together again. Nevertheless, you may still be consumed with thoughts of how to get your ex lover back.

You may have struggled for many months to forget all about your ex. Unfortunately, you have not been as successful as you would like, as the thoughts still invade you when you least expect them. The more you try to avoid thinking about your ex, the more the unpleasant thoughts seem to assail you. Not even dating other people has been of help. Things always went awry because at the back of your mind, you used to compare your new partners to your ex lover.

In spite of the fact that your ex love used to do some things that made you really mad, the fact is that your love never really waned. You understand that both of you have weaknesses.

Although you have been struggling to get over your ex for over one year, the thoughts have made you change your mind. You are now interested in how to get your ex lover back.

If you are really interested in finding out how to get your ex back, you need not give up even if you discover that there is already another date going on.

Write a short note

You can raise your ex lover’s attention by writing a very brief note. In your note, just explain how thankful you are given the way your ex helped you.  Tell your ex to call you so that you can give your thanks in person.

You need to craft your note in a very sweet tone that is bound to please your ex. The note will also pique their curiosity. What could it be that you want to give thanks for? And how exactly do you intend to give your thanks?

You should not just take care of how you craft your note. In addition, you must ensure that you deliver it in a manner that will get your ex lover’s attention.

For this reason, if you really want to know how to get your ex lover back, you should receive expert guidance. Find out how using this unconventional method works like magic and why thousands have benefitted when they visit the magic of making up or http://themagicofmakingup.com

Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

Read the information on this page before it’s too late:

Gain More Love and Harmony – Now!

We continue our series on building interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Commitment and love are very important to all of us; they are worth fighting for; they are worth working for. You also should know that in spite of many promises there is no secret for success, no checklist of things to do, and just as importantly no checklist of things not to do. But we have suggestions, now continuing with the letter F. The focus is on faith, faith, and fidelity.

F is for faith. There is the often delicate issue of religious faith. You start with the same faith as your parents, but your faith may change over the years. As may theirs. You may or may not choose a partner who shares your faith. If you choose a partner who shares your faith you reduce if not eliminate one of the many bones of contention that can easily split a couple. If your marriage is not “mixed”, your children start life with your religious faith; this is most likely a source of pleasure for both of you. Do I need to tell you that there is no guarantee that they will remain in your “camp”? It isn’t often that children of mixed marriages combine 50-50 the faiths of their two parents. In spite of promises made to a partner at the beginning of the couple, it can be hard to accept that your children share your partner’s faith, and not yours. Not all religious faith issues take place within the family. Many workplaces bring together or should we say thrust together people with widely varying religious beliefs. Do you want to quit your job because your colleague or even your boss doesn’t share some or any of your beliefs?

There is a possibility that the tall guy in the office two doors down is a member of a sleeper cell but there’s a far greater possibility that you’ll be hit by car on the way to work. In most cases it’s sufficient to show your co-workers that you respect other people’s beliefs and feelings and are happy to work with them. If the issue arises, you should tell them nicely but firmly that you have no interest in converting to their religion. And don’t confuse a minority of hothead fanatics with the great majority, no matter what their religion.

There is another question of faith. Show people that you have faith in them. Their knowledge of your confidence in them improves the relationship and the likelihood of its success. While you are spreading faith in others don’t forget to have faith in yourself. If you lack faith in yourself, how can you expect others to have faith in you?

F is for fidelity. I don’t have to tell you about the importance of fidelity in marriage. It is also important to show fidelity to your friends and associates. Don’t betray them for a few talents of silver. Don’t betray them for a step up the corporate ladder. Let them know that you are with them through thick and thin. Expect the same from them, but don’t be too disappointed if they fail you.

Levi Reiss teaches computer classes in an Ontario French-language community college. He wrote or co-authored ten computer and Internet books and now builds web sites. Visit his new site celebrating love and relationships at http://www.loveamourlove.com . This site includes a great collection of English and French love quotes (with translations) and a wide range of articles on building and repairing love, family, and other relationships.

Article Source: ArticleSpan
Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

Read the information on this page before it’s too late:

Gain More Love and Harmony – Now!

We continue our series on how to build interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Commitment and love are important to all of us; they are worth fighting for; they are worth working for. You also should know that in spite of many promises there is no secret for success, no checklist of things to do, and just as importantly no checklist of things not to do. But we do have suggestions, now continuing with the letter E. The focus is on earnest, emotional, and encouraging.

E is for earnest. This quality is so important one of the English language’s greatest writers, Oscar Wilde, wrote a play entitled, “The Importance of Being Earnest.” Or perhaps it was “The Importance of Being Ernest.” Anyway, being earnest means being serious, really serious. If you are earnest people know that you mean business. In fact more than that, they know you really mean what you say. They know you’ll get it done instead of saying let George do it. You don’t pass the buck. But there is a downside – in some workplaces guess who will be given the thankless tasks, the ones that nobody wants. Did I hear Ernie? I know I didn’t hear George.

E is for emotional. You are not a bloodless automaton. You’ve got a heart. Perhaps you even cry in the corner when nobody sees you. That’s a good thing. Because you have an inner self and you are in touch with your inner self you can reach out to people. The more you reach out, the more people will reach out to you. They realize that they don’t have to hide their feelings in your presence. They, too, can be themselves. The way I look at it, we need more people who are emotional in all parts of their life, including the workplace. Just remember, don’t let the boss catch you in tears when you are turned down for a promotion. That won’t help your chances the next time.

E is for encouraging. This quality is also sorely lacking not only in the business world but also on the personal plane. People need encouragement. They need to know that they can do it and that someone is rooting for them. Isn’t that a lot better than being negative, telling people that they just are not good enough? You can be encouraging; I know you can. Don’t let anything stop you.

Levi Reiss teaches computer classes in an Ontario French-language community college. He has written ten computer and Internet books and now builds web sites. Visit his new site celebrating all kinds of love and relationships at http://www.loveamourlove.com . Here you will find a great collection of English and French love quotes (with translations) and a wide range of articles on building and repairing love, family, and other relationships.

Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

Read the information on this page before it’s too late:

Gain More Love and Harmony – Now!

We continue our series on how to build interpersonal relationships, whether with family, coworkers, friends, or that special someone. Commitment and love are important to all of us; they are worth fighting for; they are worth working for. You also should know that in spite of many promises there is no secret for success, no checklist of things to do, and just as importantly no checklist of things not to do. But we do have suggestions, now continuing with the letter D. The focus is on dance, dependable, determined, and debonair.

D is for dance. You may draw the conclusion that we are talking about dating and intimate relationships. Of course dancing is a great way to get the object of your affection into your arms early in the game. Dancing can also be a fine way to keep the home fires burning, if you know what I mean. But dancing is also important in other relationships. Here we are not talking about dancing with a friend’s spouse or a co-worker at the office Christmas party. If you dance under those circumstances make sure to stay away from his or her arms. Keep a clear distance between you and make it short. To build work and other non-intimate, non-romantic relationships, you really have to dance the dance. Otherwise you may have to face the music.

D is for dependable. It is so important that people know they can count on you. Just think what it means to a harassed administrator to know that he or she need not check up on you continuously. You got the assignment, you verified some of the stickier issues, and now the ball is in your court. You don’t have to be reminded what to do, and you deliver status reports without being told or even asked. You are dependable. Guess who should be in line for a promotion? Dependability is just as important in personal relationships, whether it be doing the dishes, driving the kids to day camp, or whatever.

D is for determined. Make your decision and go out there and do what you have to do. Don’t dally and don’t waver. People will know that you can and that you will make it happen. And when your yes means yes, they will more readily accept your occasional no.

D is for debonair. There is nothing wrong with dressing well. Don’t be a dandy, and don’t overdo it. When my wife dressed appropriately for her job as a teacher’s aide, in the director’s eyes she did not rate consideration as a teacher. Then she started dressing fancier. She was hired just as soon as the first teaching job became available. The extra cleaning bills were definitely worth it. Dress the part, the part that you want.

Levi Reiss teaches computer classes in an Ontario French-language community college. He has written ten computer and Internet books and now builds web sites. Visit his new site celebrating all kinds of love and relationships at http://www.loveamourlove.com . Here you will find a great collection of English and French love quotes (with translations) and a wide range of articles on building and repairing love, family, and other relationships.

Article Source: ArticleSpan

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