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Developing Intimacy
A ebook specifically written for survivors of sexual abuse and their partners to learn how to develop intimacy in their relationships. This includes intimacy in all aspects of a relationship including sexual intimacy.
Developing Intimacy

Intimacy Problems – How to Deal With Lack of Intimacy During Marriage

By Mia Carmel West

In a marriage, intimacy is an important part in the expression of love between married couples. Without it, marriage suffers because the couple will find it much more difficult to effectively show how much they really love their partner.

However, throughout the course of marriage, intimacy loses its efficacy and frequency for different reasons, leading couples to feel alone and distraught. Worse, they can end up divorced and separated.

Intimacy has become mostly associated with the physical and sexual, but intimacy also comes in different forms such as emotional and mental. What makes intimacy in all forms effective is how it is regularly performed by married couples.

Every time they converse and talk about what they really feel, share the same opinions, or have physical contact adds to their closeness and intimacy that got them married in the first place. When moments of intimacy in marriage do not occur as often as possible, it is normal for married couples to feel estranged, so it is highly important to become intimate on a regular basis to avoid any complications in your relationship.

However, when the damage has been done and intimacy has slowly but surely been washed away, it is time for you to evaluate some of things that have led to this instance in your life, as well as to explore the best possible actions you can take starting from here. It is best that both of you sit through the questions and answer them as honestly as possible so you can really know how you feel towards each other.

Below are some of the more important questions that you have to ask yourself in relation to the lack of your marital intimacy:

• How often have you been getting intimacy with your partner? Do you think lowly or highly of the moments you’ve been intimate? If you’ve rated low, how do you think both of you could improve your intimacy?
• Are you comfortable with your spouse? Is your partner comfortable with you? Do you think the comfort you feel towards each other has contributed to a low level of intimacy?
• Do both of you find each other sexy in their own way? What parts of the body do you find sexy with your partner? Taking the physical aspect out, do you still find your partner sexy?
• Do you really love your partner? How much and in what ways do you express and profess your love towards your spouse?
• Does your intimacy with each other changes when either of you talk or stay silent during a period of time?

Mia Carmel West is a subject matter expert in divorce and relationships. She has written three books that have helped couples make the best and most appropriate decision for their marriage and family. View and purchase her books that contain advice on how to get divorce or you can simply copy and paste this URL on your browser: http://www.divorceguide.com/bookstore/browse/should-you-divorce-divorce-and-separation-advice-from-divorce-guide.html.

When you think about common relationship problems, it’s a matter of being able to decide where to begin as there are so many relationship problems.

Perhaps for a start, it might be helpful to compile a list, and then expand on a number of these. This will be a random list with no level of importance attached to the positioning, and it is not exhaustive.

*Compatibility,

*Equality,

*Communication,

*Sexual Orientation,

*Trust,

*Loyalty,

*Sexual Problems,

*Intimacy,

*Connection,

*Abuse,

*Ending Relationships,

*Jealousy.

At the same time as I list these common relationship problems, I’m also aware there are a number of ways couples describe the way they see their relationship problems.

I was watching a program on The Oprah Winfrey Show just after I compiled my list above. I watch the show from time to time just to see if there is anything on the program that might be relevant to what I am doing.

On this program, as it happens, couples were asked to describe their relationships using just five words. The following words or expressions were the most commonly used to describe their relationship problems.

*Passionless,

*Lonely,

*Sucks,

*Boring,

*Empty,

*On Edge,

*Lifeless,

*Tiring,

*In a Rut,

*Indifferent,

*Stressed,

*Unfulfilled,

*Fake.

There are various ways this list of common relationship problems would be explained in terms of understanding them and offering solutions.

The expert on Oprah that day, had an explanation that I had difficulty understanding as a way of improving the situations for those couples.

Oprah was all in favor of what he was having to say, but I did wonder how much the people themselves understood the explanation, and how they would apply it in their lives.

If I look at the first list of common relationship problems that I wrote, and then look at the second list, there is one in my list that stands out to me that all those in the second list could be associated with. The word I am referring to is: Connection. Of course, several others in the first list tie in with this as well, as I will explain.

Just to clarify exactly what is meant by connection, my dictionary describes connect as meaning: ‘bring together or into contact so that a real link is established.’

It strikes me all those words in the second list, describe how there is no real link established, leaving no room at all for any of the characteristics of healthy relationships.

The way I see this fitting in with the first list of common relationship problems, is that in order for two people to connect in a relationship, the first requirement is there has to be equality between the couple.

This means each person has the same status, each is on the same level. Let’s not kid ourselves, as much as we might like to think inequality is a dead issue, it is alive and well.

In all the couples I have seen as a counselor, one of the most common relationship problems I have seen is what I identified as inequality between them. It created an imbalance where partners were on different levels. I have seen it so often I came to refer to it as ‘the same old story’.

Where there is inequality, or people don’t have the same status and are not on the same level, there is an ongoing inevitable tension between couples.

This invariably means there are relationship issues associated with relationship communication problems, trust in relationships, sexual relationship problems, abusive relationship issues of all types, and a lack of real intimacy.

All these common relationship problems are an outcome of inequality in my view, and it doesn’t need to be like this. The solution is really very simple. All you have to do for a start is to put your ego aside and look into it. You’ll be so glad you did as there is much to gain for everyone, and nothing to lose.