Question by Giovanna: What causes sexual desire to drop in a marriage?
1. What are the causes of sexual desire in a marriage?
2. How long into the marriage does the sex life start to suffer?
3. Is it possible to stay hot to your spouse after 20 years of marriage? Is it common?
4. How much does resentment play a role in diminishing sex life with your spouse?
5. Describe the things that keep you from wanting sex from your spouse?

Best answer:

Answer by Why this happens
Don’t do too much sex always respect him
have good conversation

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

by See-ming Lee 李思明 SML

Marriage Counseling – How to be the Spiritual Leader in your home

In Christian homes when the husband does not assume his Spiritual Leader role a vacuum forms and often the wife is forced into being the leader. This is uncomfortable for the wife since God did not give her that responsibility. It can create a great deal of resentment in both the wife and also the husband who can interpret this as “control”.

When the wife is forced into filling this role it can often lead to being the leader in many other ways. Now there is real danger of inappropriate balance of control in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice we see this situation often. We are presented with couples that are not filling the roles that they were designed to fill. When we speak with the wife who is perceived as controlling by her husband, she often tells us that she would give anything to “get off the throne” and follow her husband, but he just won’t lead.

What can she do? What can he do? The first step is to understand who God has called us to be. God has called the husband to be the “servant leader” in the home, even going so far as to lay down his life for his wife and family as Christ laid down His life for the Church. We see many husbands who would step in front of a bus for their wives but neglect to protect their wives in the day to day business of life.

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There may be a number of reasons why he is not “stepping up to the plate” as leader. Oftentimes we see passive men marry more outgoing and active women. The man’s passivity becomes a serious problem in these relationships. He stays in his comfort zone, not realizing or caring what this is doing to the relationship. In this case, it is important for the wife to step aside and not lead; even if things fall through the cracks. The husband cannot fill a role that is already filled. He cannot lead if she is leading. It may seem very scary, but it is absolutely necessary to let him fill the role.

It may also be that she has always felt like she is the one who should be in control, thinking her husband as incapable of leading. It is particularly important for her to turn over the reins to her husband.

Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with the wife. Some men are just so passive that it would never dawn on them to be the leader. In this case it may require counseling from your Pastor or Marriage Counseling from a Christian Marriage Counselor.

So, what should the husband do? After realizing and understanding that this is his God given role, he will need to confront the fear of operating in the unknown. His job is to make sure that he understands who is in Christ. There are many good books written on this subject. God gives us the Grace to do what He calls us to do, so the husband is able to lead.

There are practical things that a Spiritual Leader does. He makes sure that he has his own personal time with God on a daily basis. That he “talks” with God on a regular basis. This includes more than just speaking to God (what we normally call praying) but listening as well. He himself needs to be strengthened before he can successfully lead others.

He is responsible for making sure he and his wife spend joint time with God. This can include Bible Study, prayer, attending a Church that fulfills both of them and making sure the whole family is included if there are children in the home.

He is also responsible for protecting the home from any outside bad influences or spiritual attacks.

He can also see that he and his wife become active in a small group at their Church. This will help surround the couple with fellow believers who are like minded and are there for each other.

This may seem like a big job, but God never gives us a job too big for us to handle.

We pray that your marriage fulfills God’s calling and that both you and your Spouse search out what God has in store for you. If you both are close to God, you will be close to each other.

by Catholic Church (England and Wales)

Marriage Counseling – How Chaos Is A Drain On Marriage

Let’s face it. Usually one spouse is naturally neater than the other. While it seems like a small thing, this can turn into a much larger issue over time when it keeps adding up. Resentment can increase over repeated requests to keep the house neat.

Bills can fall through the cracks. Precious items can get lost. Appointments can be missed. Clutter drains the life out of a home. A messy house can even decrease a wife’s libido.

While the two of you may never have the same idea about what the standards should be for an uncluttered home, you should be able to agree to de-stress the marriage by eliminating clutter. Not because it will now be neat, but because your spouse will feel so much better emotionally.

One of the best ways to prevent reoccurring clutter is to put things away, not down. This prevents the necessity of having to have one spouse pick up after the other. It also means the availability of more together time since you won’t need to spend time picking up a mess.

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It is a great tool to get your kids involved as well. There is no need for anyone to leave shoes, socks, dirty dishes, dirty clothes or anything else for someone else to have to pick up.

The key is to make sure there is a place for everything. Then everything can be put in its place.

If you don’t currently have a home for each item, then create a home for it. This may mean that there is not room for everything you own. It also may mean it is a good time to Clean Sweep the home. If you have things lying around that you have not used for a year or more, then do you really need it? Maybe it could be given to someone who has a need for what you obviously are not using.

In order to get the ball rolling, decide that the fun evening activities won’t begin until everything is put away.

No one is exempt. Not Mom, Dad, or the kids. Once you start putting everything away you fill feel less stress. Chaos will diminish and there will be more peace in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice this issue arises often. It is amazing how big a deal this can become. It is a sign of disrespect to the one who has to pick up after the other. Marriages do not sustain well when respect is absent.

Love is not just a noun, it is a verb. We can show our spouse how much we love them by making our home a place of peace, free of tension, and conducive to harmony.

The perfect mistress has long been a study of curiosity, speculation, resentment and even admiration. She has existed for centuries and probably since the dawn of early mankind. Attributes of the mistress are described in poems, songs, novels and even opera. Some of the most famous creative works, have been based on the role of the mistress. In regal circles, she has been known as a courtesan and many kings, princes and other nobles are known to have entertained them. This article looks at relationships from the mistress’s perspective.

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The Perfect Mistress

By Ruth Purple

Mistress – just the word itself imbibes negative impressions. Wives despise them and society looks down on them. Mistresses are associated with the word home wrecker with low morals. But if you really think about it, do they like being a mistress? Is that a choice they voluntarily choose or is it a written destiny? If there is such a thing as being “single-blessedness”- meaning people who are “blessed” or born to be single, is there such thing as “mistress-blessedness”? What kind of woman would chose to be a mistress in the first place? Being a mistress is never easy, so they say.

You cannot demand and you are constantly settling for stolen moments and attention. But since you are the other woman and everybody hates you, you might as well excel in what you do. And you’d better be good in keeping yourself anonymous or you will be forever obtaining the mark of the Scarlet Letter. A perfect mistress is a lady who is an expert in handling her man and knows how to keep him and the relationship hidden – if you can’t do both, then you are just a bimbo who likes to “do” somebody else’s husband. What does it takes to be the perfect other woman, you ask.

The number one rule of being the perfect other woman is – know where you stand. This is the rule of the universe to have order-knowing your place- everything should be in its proper place and order-like the sun and the moon, the land and the sea.

This means the other woman should never show affection in public to avoid scandal- scandal is worst than murder. Jesus was a victim of scandal, see what happened to him. So, if you don’t want to be crucified- save your urges inside the bedroom. The difference between a mistress and a wife is- a mistress never believes every word his lover is saying; another decree in being the perfect other woman- never believe what your man is saying to you.

In general, men are liars. They are driven to say whatever it takes to get what they want. “You understand me more that’s why I love you more than my wife.”- Never let this enter your head. This is usually a defense mechanism of a philandering man to justify his guilt for having a you.

Enjoy every moment when he is showering you with sweet nothings but be on top of it. A mistress should have an ally- and there’s no better perfect ally than his lover’s assistant or secretary. You should know how to have a rapport with his lover’s secretary- for two main reasons- to keep tract of his lover and to cover-up for them.

The other woman always remembers that curiosity kills - especially if you are curious about the wife. It’s tempting to see the person your lover chose to sleep at night even if he “doesn’t lover her”. Curiosity can become very insatiable and before you know it, you are face to face with the wife with a gun pointing in your head.

There are so many orders that a perfect adulteress should do but I will leave you with this one- discreetness. Mistresses should be synonymous with being discreet. A perfect adulteress should never brag or talk about being a mistress, she should never bad mouth or get jealous with the wife, the other woman should never ask for money, she should not travel with her lover- meet him somewhere else instead and most importantly she should never complain.

Mistresses, yes we don’t like the idea of them but they are also people whose only fault is being in love with the right person in the wrong time.

The author of this article Ruth Purple is a Relationship Coach who has been successfully coaching and guiding clients for many years. Ruth recently decided to go public and share her knowledge and experience through her website http://www.relazine.com. You can sign up for her free newsletter and join her coaching program.

Being apart in a long distance relationship will often result in a lot of stress and anxiety that not only can be avoided but, if approached the right way, can actually “make the heart grow fonder”.

With the advantage of modern technology that includes video connections on computers and telephones, messaging facilities on cell phones and online shopping and delivery, there are many aids to long distance relationships that modern couple can enjoy which were simply unheard of in the days of our not so distant ancestors.

Of special concern to many is the possibility that our partner will be exposed to overwhelming temptations, and even cheat, while they are away from us. If this is a minor concern, frequent contact with messaging, telephone calls and video link will be very helpful in helping to sustain and build a loving relationship. When you view the separation with a sense of calm rather than alarm, there are many tools available to help sustain the relationship.

If you are finding the separation to be especially stressful, it is important to understand that the anxiety being experienced has its origins in perception and arises from the way you look at the world. That is, you are responding to thoughts and expectations that tour partner may be cheating on you or is simply losing interest.

This does not mean that they are behaving badly or that their feelings are cooling. It indicates that you are allowing negative thoughts to evoke negative feelings. Invariably, decisions and choices that we make when we are feeling anxious, angry, resentful, hurt, sad, lonely, and the like, will point us in a direction that is away from what we really want.

For instance, if we are resentful towards an absent partner, we are tempted to be surly, cool, distant, suspicious and critical. Acting in this way towards another stirs resentment in the one on the receiving end of our ire.

Do they feel more loving when being treated this way? More likely they are inclined to retaliate, in turn causing you to feel more resentful!

Notice that what caused us to feel resentment in the first place were our perceptions of the situation. The thoughts we entertained may have been based on little more than our own insecurities and other attitudes and expectations that we hold which shape our perception of the world.

The ideas we accept mold the way we see events and the way we interpret what we see. If we see a rosy picture, we feel joyous and expect a happy outcome. If our view is a gloomy one, our prospects also appear dark and we feel anxious and threatened.

Anxiety in a long distance relationship is something we CAN control and overcome when we understand the way it works and what can be done about it. The flow on benefit is that it helps us in all sorts of ways and not only when we are apart from our loved ones. We also learn how to create an infinitely better world for ourselves and feel more in control of our lives.

Image by Ed Yourdon via Flickr

Relationship Problems – The REAL Solution

By Ivan Kelly

Sue knew she had relationship problems. She was sure that her husband had a mistress and was agonizing about how to deal with it.

Should she confront him? Would it be better to just pack her bags and leave? Maybe she should pack his bags? Perhaps it would be better to ignore her suspicions and hope that her husband will come to his senses before it’s too late?

Samantha’s long-time partner was a great guy - when he was in a good mood.  It’s just that  he couldn’t resist trying to control everything – and then criticizing and blaming her when things didn’t go just the way he wanted.

These are just a few of the relationship problems women face, of course. There are jealous boyfriends; partners whose impatience turns simple conversations into conflicts; husbands who are curt, difficult, angry, lazy, untidy, drunk, gamblers, unstable and those suffering from all kinds of addictions!

Behind it all are women who simply want to be loved, respected and appreciated.

However, the real solution isn’t frothy. It won’t tell you that the answer to your relationship problems is to buy some new lingerie, spend heaps at the beauty parlor and then go away for a romantic weekend.

It deals with deeper issues that lie at the heart of those difficulties and shows you how you can turn your life around.

With the real solution you can see quick improvement but lasting gains may take longer as you discover how your life can become much more than it is today. How long it takes will depend on how much it means to you. It doesn’t take a lot of effort.

It does require that you make a decision and that you choose a better life.

This means the real solution isn’t for every woman. Most will prefer to have a few action tips (smile, avoid argument, encourage communication, be nice to his friends and family,  etc, etc). Then life continues in much the same way as before. Perhaps it IS better for a brief time. Then it’s back to where you started.

The solution will show you the steps you can take to move from feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. It will show you how to gain more control over your life and  from this will flow more joyful experiences.

That raises another problem, of course: if YOU’RE in control of your life; if you are the captain at the wheel, who is responsible for steering the ship away from the rocks into calmer waters?

The REAL solution is knowing HOW to create a more beautiful life – and then doing it!

A number of useful books have been written to show readers HOW they can get past relationship problems and gain more love and harmony. The best of these will describe simple processes, and examples, that readers can easily follow and quickly apply to make a HUGE difference in their lives. There is one that can really help:

There are all kinds of marriage relationship help that is designed for women. It’s certainly not uncommon for a woman to be in a marriage in which the dynamic shifts over time. If you feel that your husband isn’t as devoted or loving as he once was, it’s a challenge for you. Naturally you are going to go looking for advice that is intended to reenergize the relationship. If you really want to make your husband want you again, the way he did when you two first met, you need to have both an open mind and be willing to compromise.

In order to make your husband want you more you have to consider the things in the relationship that are currently causing a conflict between you two. If there is an ongoing struggle that has yet to be settled, that can severely impact how your husband feels about you. It’s important to clear that type of conflict off the table instead of letting it fester. It can cause resentment and hard feelings that will continue to undermine the relationship you are trying to salvage with your spouse. Compromise is the key to ironing out the problems. If you have to give in a little, do it. Just consider the fact that losing your husband’s love and devotion is not worth being right about any problem that may arise between you two.

Keeping your own interests is one easy way to make your husband want you more. One critical mistake that many women make when they marry is they give up their own lives for the sake of their husband. They may lose contact with close friends and over time their focus shifts from their own career to raising their family. Men, even married men, are most drawn to women who are independent and who have their own interests. Find something other than your husband and children to be passionate about. It may be a new hobby, or a new career. You need something that will get you interested in your own life again. If your husband feels that you are fulfilled in all areas of your life, he’ll feel closer to you as well.

Specific things you do and say can compel your husband to appreciate and love you more. Saying or doing the wrong thing can actually cause him to feel even more distant from you. You can make your husband fall even deeper in love with you than when you two first married.

You don’t have to worry about whether your husband is on the brink of asking you for a divorce. You can control the situation and use specific techniques to naturally make him fall hopelessly in love with you.

Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

Read the information on this page before it’s too late:

Gain More Love and Harmony – Now!