I Just Cheated On My Wife. What Should I Do Now? Do I Tell Her?

I sometimes hear from panicked husbands who have just cheated on their wives. They often didn’t intend for this to happen and are reeling as to what to do next. Many ask me what they should do immediately following the cheating. I often hear comments like: “I just cheated on my wife. This is a disaster. I love my wife and am committed to my marriage and I have no idea what I was thinking or how I could be so stupid. What do I do now? How do I make this right so that it’s not going to absolutely destroy my marriage or my wife?”

And sometimes, I hear from the wives who have just found out that their husbands have cheated. They often ask me what their husbands can do to make things right again. An example is a comment like: “I just found out my husband cheated once. I am devastated and I don’t know where we go from here. He keeps asking me what he can do to help me get over this, but I have no idea what to tell him. I’m not sure that there’s anything that he could do to make me feel any better.” So, in the following article, I’m going to offer some suggestions as to what a husband should do after he cheats in order to begin  the process of healing after infidelity.

Immediately Remove Yourself From The Situation And The Other Woman. Do Not Give Yourself The Chance To Cheat Again: I do believe that there are some men who never intended to cheat on their wives. And once it happens, they’re lost because they truly didn’t see it coming and were completely unprepared. Sometimes when they tell you that “it just happened,” they aren’t completely being dishonest, although a lack of intent doesn’t mean innocence either.

That’s why it’s so important that the husband remove himself from the other person and any circumstances that contributed to the cheating. It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from men who vow never to cheat again, but who later end up doing just that because, once again, they found themselves in situation that they did not plan but could not resist. I’ve even had men tell me that they went to break things off with (or make things clear to) the other woman only to end up cheating with her once again.

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My suggestion is to cut off all communication. And if you just have to communicate with her to make your intentions clear, then do not do this in person where there’s potential for more cheating or temptation. If you work with or regularly see this person, then you will need to make some changes. You do not want to put yourself in a situation where you have continued contact. This is not good for you, for her, for your marriage, or for your wife.

Figure Out What Really Went Wrong And Truly Fix It: Even though you might 100% believe that you had no intentions of cheating, the fact is that, for whatever reason, you did. In my opinion, people truly don’t act without reason or motivation. There had to have been something that contributed to your impulsive actions. It’s pretty easy to place the blame on the marriage, your wife, or even the other woman. But you are often better off looking within yourself.

Because no matter what risk factors were present, you did have a choice. Why did you make the choice that you did? Look at issues like poor impulse control, a lack of self esteem, any tendencies for reckless behavior or self sabotage, or other pressures or flaws that may have contributed to your cheating. It’s important to be brutally honest with yourself and to get help if you need it. Because it’s not fair (or realistic) to ask your wife to forgive you or to give your marriage another chance when you can’t completely assure you that you will never cheat again. You must remove any risk factors so that you are both secure in the future.

Decide If You’re Going To Tell Your Wife About Your Cheating: Whether to admit to the cheating is one of the most common questions that I’m asked by husbands. Many wonder if they are better off just admitting everything or if it would be better to spare their wife the pain, make any changes on their own, and remain silent. I can not make this decision for you. Only you know your wife (and what your reaction might be,) as well as your comfort level with keeping this from her and the level of guilt that you are grappling with.

You also need to consider how likely she is to find out about the cheating because I can tell you that if she finds out from someone else, this might factor into her future decisions. Many wives will see your keeping the cheating from them as just one more example of your deception. However, on the other side of the coin, once you tell her, you also have to be prepared to deal with the considerable fall out that this admission is going to cause.

Whether You Tell Your Wife About The Cheating Or Not, Have An Improvement Plan That You Fully Intend To Follow: Few people are ever going to buy that cheating can actually be a positive thing. But I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with trying to extract some positive changes from this huge mistake. If you cheat but then never gain any insights into your behavior and never make any positive changes in yourself and your marriage, then this whole process truly was a waste in which only the negative consequences mattered.

But, if you can at least gain some positive insights and make some positive changes that are likely to make things easier and better in the future, then at least some good came out of a very bad decision. If you can use this is a starting point or as the inspiration to become a better husband and a better man, then at least you made every attempt to make the best of your actions and this will hopefully matter to your wife, whether she knows what inspired your actions or not.

I was the cheated on, not the cheater, in my marriage. So, I know exactly how the wife in this scenario might feel. Thankfully, my husband eventually used the cheating as the inspiration to make some drastic and lasting changes that weren’t lost on me. Eventually, our marriage did recover, partly due to these efforts. If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

by Pete Ashton

Dealing With Your Husband’s Mistress: How Should Or Can You Do It?

Of all of the emails that I get from wives struggling to deal with their husband’s affair, topics about dealing with or confronting the mistress are perhaps the most common.  Women want to know if they should attempt to find out who this woman is, if they should confront her, if they should talk to her when she keeps calling, or if they can believe anything that she says or does. 

Many also want to know the best way to get revenge on her. Some even want to appeal to her sense of decency, hoping to convince her to leave the husband alone. (Hint: she’s already shown that she doesn’t have any decency.  Negotiating with her is a waste of time.) In the following article, I’ll tell you what I often tell my reader’s about a husband’s mistress.

Why Having Any Dealings With Your Husband’s Mistress Almost Always Turns Out Bad: Almost without fail, the wives who report back about their interactions with the other woman are completely unsatisfied with how things went down.  Most of the time, meeting with her brings about more questions than answers.  It actually just makes you feel worse and more frustrated.  A lot of the time, she will paint the husband as the one who initiated the whole thing, while she is the innocent one.  She will give you the version of the story which paints her in the most flattering light.  However, this version is often just not accurate.

Sometimes, wives want to see what she looks like, only to discover that she’s not at all what you imagined.  This just makes processing all of this more impossible.  Because, the only one who can define why your husband carried on with her and what your husband saw in her is your husband himself.  Most times, wives are looking for this information from the wrong person.  The mistress knows nothing about your life or your objections.  In truth, she is and should remain a stranger to you.  By allowing her into your life, you’re giving her WAY too much power over you.

Whether You Want To Save Your Marriage Or Not, You Should Not Allow The Mistress Into Your Life:  If you want to save your marriage, you want to get this woman out of your life immediately, not allow her into it.  Your best case scenario is to banish her altogether and completely.  You don’t want for you or your husband to think about her or to interact with her.  And, this is the opposite of what she wants.  In order for her to be successful, she needs to position herself in your world.  She needs to get a strong hold on your husband and your life.  Fight her every inch of the way here if you want to save your marriage. Communicating with her, confronting her, or seeking revenge are all ways of giving her an “in.” Resist this at all costs.

If you are going to walk away from the marriage, you still want to steer clear of her.  Why? Because even if you know that they deserve each other, you can’t have the constant reminder of the pain and betrayal.  You want to allow yourself to heal and she is not part of that equation.  Your healing is going to depend on your ability to put this behind you.  You can’t do that if you’re constantly in touch with her or having to deal with her.  Shut the door on her immediately, Slam it right in her face.  She doesn’t deserve to ease her conscience or to satisfy her curiosity about what’s going on with you.

When You Win And She Looses: What the mistress doesn’t want is for you to remain whole.  Even if she didn’t initially set out to hurt anyone, she knew that her actions were going to have consequences.  Yet, she moved forward anyway.  She has drawn a line in the sand.  Some wives will tell me: “well, she’s won. She’s got my husband. I’m the odd man out.”  This makes when cringe when I hear this.  Because really, the only way that she wins is if you let her.  If you want your husband away from her, take him back.  If they deserve each other, great, let them go.  But, respect and love yourself enough to rise above this. Don’t allow her to continue to hurt and weaken you. 

In truth, you emerge the winner when you don’t allow this to beat you.  Statistically, most men who cheat come back to their wives or at least eventually end the affair.  Your husband will see her as a mistake eventually.  And, when he does, she’s going to be a lot more desolate if she’s wallowing in her own misery all alone – with out your husband and without you bearing witness. 

What she doesn’t want is your happiness.  Make absolutely sure that you have that, whether you end up with your husband or not. Then, you’ve won and she’s lost.  All she has is regret and loneliness because both you and your husband have moved on and have left her in the dust.

I know that even contemplating your husband’s mistress is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. And, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

A 37-year-old gal’s scary Goth style eclipses her bubbly personality. Can a social experiment convince her to move into the light?

Find More Mistress Articles

The perfect mistress has long been a study of curiosity, speculation, resentment and even admiration. She has existed for centuries and probably since the dawn of early mankind. Attributes of the mistress are described in poems, songs, novels and even opera. Some of the most famous creative works, have been based on the role of the mistress. In regal circles, she has been known as a courtesan and many kings, princes and other nobles are known to have entertained them. This article looks at relationships from the mistress’s perspective.

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The Perfect Mistress

By Ruth Purple

Mistress – just the word itself imbibes negative impressions. Wives despise them and society looks down on them. Mistresses are associated with the word home wrecker with low morals. But if you really think about it, do they like being a mistress? Is that a choice they voluntarily choose or is it a written destiny? If there is such a thing as being “single-blessedness”- meaning people who are “blessed” or born to be single, is there such thing as “mistress-blessedness”? What kind of woman would chose to be a mistress in the first place? Being a mistress is never easy, so they say.

You cannot demand and you are constantly settling for stolen moments and attention. But since you are the other woman and everybody hates you, you might as well excel in what you do. And you’d better be good in keeping yourself anonymous or you will be forever obtaining the mark of the Scarlet Letter. A perfect mistress is a lady who is an expert in handling her man and knows how to keep him and the relationship hidden – if you can’t do both, then you are just a bimbo who likes to “do” somebody else’s husband. What does it takes to be the perfect other woman, you ask.

The number one rule of being the perfect other woman is – know where you stand. This is the rule of the universe to have order-knowing your place- everything should be in its proper place and order-like the sun and the moon, the land and the sea.

This means the other woman should never show affection in public to avoid scandal- scandal is worst than murder. Jesus was a victim of scandal, see what happened to him. So, if you don’t want to be crucified- save your urges inside the bedroom. The difference between a mistress and a wife is- a mistress never believes every word his lover is saying; another decree in being the perfect other woman- never believe what your man is saying to you.

In general, men are liars. They are driven to say whatever it takes to get what they want. “You understand me more that’s why I love you more than my wife.”- Never let this enter your head. This is usually a defense mechanism of a philandering man to justify his guilt for having a you.

Enjoy every moment when he is showering you with sweet nothings but be on top of it. A mistress should have an ally- and there’s no better perfect ally than his lover’s assistant or secretary. You should know how to have a rapport with his lover’s secretary- for two main reasons- to keep tract of his lover and to cover-up for them.

The other woman always remembers that curiosity kills - especially if you are curious about the wife. It’s tempting to see the person your lover chose to sleep at night even if he “doesn’t lover her”. Curiosity can become very insatiable and before you know it, you are face to face with the wife with a gun pointing in your head.

There are so many orders that a perfect adulteress should do but I will leave you with this one- discreetness. Mistresses should be synonymous with being discreet. A perfect adulteress should never brag or talk about being a mistress, she should never bad mouth or get jealous with the wife, the other woman should never ask for money, she should not travel with her lover- meet him somewhere else instead and most importantly she should never complain.

Mistresses, yes we don’t like the idea of them but they are also people whose only fault is being in love with the right person in the wrong time.

The author of this article Ruth Purple is a Relationship Coach who has been successfully coaching and guiding clients for many years. Ruth recently decided to go public and share her knowledge and experience through her website http://www.relazine.com. You can sign up for her free newsletter and join her coaching program.

Of all of the emails that I get from wives struggling to deal with their husband’s affair, topics about dealing with or confronting the mistress are perhaps the most common. Women want to know if they should attempt to find out who this woman is, if they should confront her, if they should talk to her when she keeps calling, or if they can believe anything that she says or does.

Many also want to know the best way to get revenge on her. Some even want to appeal to her sense of decency, hoping to convince her to leave the husband alone. (Hint: she’s already shown that she doesn’t have any decency. Negotiating with her is a waste of time.) In the following article, I’ll tell you what I often tell my reader’s about a husband’s mistress.

Why Having Anything To Do With Your Husband’s Mistress Almost Always Turns Out Bad: Almost without fail, the wives who report back about their interactions with the other woman are completely unsatisfied with how things went down. Most of the time, meeting with her brings about more questions than answers.

It actually just makes you feel worse and more frustrated. A lot of the time, she will paint the husband as the one who initiated the whole thing, while she is the innocent one. She will give you the version of the story which paints her in the most flattering light. However, this version is often just not accurate.

Sometimes, wives want to see what she looks like, only to discover that she’s not at all what you imagined. This just makes processing all of this more impossible. Because, the only one who can define why your husband carried on with her and what your husband saw in her is your husband himself.

Most times, wives are looking for this information from the wrong person. The mistress knows nothing about your life or your objections. In truth, she is and should remain a stranger to you. By allowing her into your life, you’re giving her WAY too much power over you.

Whether You Want To Save Your Marriage Or Not, You Should Not Allow The Mistress Into Your Life: If you want to save your marriage, you want to get this woman out of your life immediately, not allow her into it. Your best case scenario is to banish her altogether and completely. You don’t want for you or your husband to think about her or to interact with her. And, this is the opposite of what she wants.

In order for her to be successful, she needs to position herself in your world. She needs to get a strong hold on your husband and your life. Fight her every inch of the way here if you want to save your marriage. Communicating with her, confronting her, or seeking revenge are all ways of giving her an “in.” Resist this at all costs.

If you are going to walk away from the marriage, you still want to steer clear of her. Why? Because even if you know that they deserve each other, you can’t have the constant reminder of the pain and betrayal. You want to allow yourself to heal and she is not part of that equation.

Your healing is going to depend on your ability to put this behind you. You can’t do that if you’re constantly in touch with her or having to deal with her. Shut the door on her immediately, Slam it right in her face. She doesn’t deserve to ease her conscience or to satisfy her curiosity about what’s going on with you.

When You Win And She Looses: What the mistress doesn’t want is for you to remain whole. Even if she didn’t initially set out to hurt anyone, she knew that her actions were going to have consequences. Yet, she moved forward anyway. She has drawn a line in the sand.

Some wives will tell me: “well, she’s won. She’s got my husband. I’m the odd man out.” This makes me cringe when I hear this. Because really, the only way that she wins is if you let her. If you want your husband away from her, take him back. If they deserve each other, great, let them go. But, respect and love yourself enough to rise above this. Don’t allow her to continue to hurt and weaken you.

In truth, you emerge the winner when you don’t allow this to beat you. Statistically, most men who cheat come back to their wives or at least eventually end the affair. Your husband will see her as a mistake eventually. And, when he does, she’s going to be a lot more desolate if she’s wallowing in her own misery all alone – with out your husband and without you bearing witness. What she doesn’t want is your happiness.

Make absolutely sure that you have that, whether you end up with your husband or not. Then, you’ve won and she’s lost. All she has is regret and loneliness because both you and your husband have moved on and have left her in the dust.

I know that even contemplating your husband’s mistress is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. And, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before.

I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again.

You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/