With almost 30 years of Marriage Counseling experience we have discovered that it is critical to keep your marriage business private. This is true when things are going well and also when things are not going so well. It is particularly important if your marriage or family is in crisis.

This does not mean that you should have to handle the hurt and pain all by yourself. When you are in pain it is important to have someone to talk with. That person should not be a friend or a family member.

It may seem like they would be the best person to share with, but that is not so.

Why?

It hurts trust between you and your spouse. You spouse may feel embarrassed when you share your relationship difficulties with family or friends. It is very disrespectful. Would you want your flaws exposed to others outside the privacy of marriage? Often, when we go to others asking for prayer, we are actually using this as an opportunity to gossip about our mate and line up support for our side of the conflict.

If we air our dirty linen and later you and your spouse have “made up” the person you shared with may still have negative feelings about your spouse. When we get advice from family or friends we may get “one sided” advice. They most likely will not be impartial. They may care more about you than the truth. When you share your “version” of the truth, it may not be accurate.

In all of our years of Marriage Counseling, we have rarely seen a situation where both spouses did not have some of the responsibility. What kind of axe to grind does your confidant have? Since half of all marriages end in divorce, it is likely that the person you are seeking help from may have hurts or prejudices that affect their advice. A classic example would be getting marriage advice from a divorced friend who is angry at their ex spouse.

Of course it is important to get help when you need it. We recommend that you choose the appropriate marriage counselor to get the help from. If you and you mate cannot calmly talk out the situation, then seek guidance from your Pastor or a qualified Marriage Counselor. Don’t make the mistake of making a bad situation worse.

Being apart in a long distance relationship will often result in a lot of stress and anxiety that not only can be avoided but, if approached the right way, can actually “make the heart grow fonder”.

With the advantage of modern technology that includes video connections on computers and telephones, messaging facilities on cell phones and online shopping and delivery, there are many aids to long distance relationships that modern couple can enjoy which were simply unheard of in the days of our not so distant ancestors.

Of special concern to many is the possibility that our partner will be exposed to overwhelming temptations, and even cheat, while they are away from us. If this is a minor concern, frequent contact with messaging, telephone calls and video link will be very helpful in helping to sustain and build a loving relationship. When you view the separation with a sense of calm rather than alarm, there are many tools available to help sustain the relationship.

If you are finding the separation to be especially stressful, it is important to understand that the anxiety being experienced has its origins in perception and arises from the way you look at the world. That is, you are responding to thoughts and expectations that tour partner may be cheating on you or is simply losing interest.

This does not mean that they are behaving badly or that their feelings are cooling. It indicates that you are allowing negative thoughts to evoke negative feelings. Invariably, decisions and choices that we make when we are feeling anxious, angry, resentful, hurt, sad, lonely, and the like, will point us in a direction that is away from what we really want.

For instance, if we are resentful towards an absent partner, we are tempted to be surly, cool, distant, suspicious and critical. Acting in this way towards another stirs resentment in the one on the receiving end of our ire.

Do they feel more loving when being treated this way? More likely they are inclined to retaliate, in turn causing you to feel more resentful!

Notice that what caused us to feel resentment in the first place were our perceptions of the situation. The thoughts we entertained may have been based on little more than our own insecurities and other attitudes and expectations that we hold which shape our perception of the world.

The ideas we accept mold the way we see events and the way we interpret what we see. If we see a rosy picture, we feel joyous and expect a happy outcome. If our view is a gloomy one, our prospects also appear dark and we feel anxious and threatened.

Anxiety in a long distance relationship is something we CAN control and overcome when we understand the way it works and what can be done about it. The flow on benefit is that it helps us in all sorts of ways and not only when we are apart from our loved ones. We also learn how to create an infinitely better world for ourselves and feel more in control of our lives.

Image by Ed Yourdon via Flickr

Relationship Problems – The REAL Solution

By Ivan Kelly

Sue knew she had relationship problems. She was sure that her husband had a mistress and was agonizing about how to deal with it.

Should she confront him? Would it be better to just pack her bags and leave? Maybe she should pack his bags? Perhaps it would be better to ignore her suspicions and hope that her husband will come to his senses before it’s too late?

Samantha’s long-time partner was a great guy - when he was in a good mood.  It’s just that  he couldn’t resist trying to control everything – and then criticizing and blaming her when things didn’t go just the way he wanted.

These are just a few of the relationship problems women face, of course. There are jealous boyfriends; partners whose impatience turns simple conversations into conflicts; husbands who are curt, difficult, angry, lazy, untidy, drunk, gamblers, unstable and those suffering from all kinds of addictions!

Behind it all are women who simply want to be loved, respected and appreciated.

However, the real solution isn’t frothy. It won’t tell you that the answer to your relationship problems is to buy some new lingerie, spend heaps at the beauty parlor and then go away for a romantic weekend.

It deals with deeper issues that lie at the heart of those difficulties and shows you how you can turn your life around.

With the real solution you can see quick improvement but lasting gains may take longer as you discover how your life can become much more than it is today. How long it takes will depend on how much it means to you. It doesn’t take a lot of effort.

It does require that you make a decision and that you choose a better life.

This means the real solution isn’t for every woman. Most will prefer to have a few action tips (smile, avoid argument, encourage communication, be nice to his friends and family,  etc, etc). Then life continues in much the same way as before. Perhaps it IS better for a brief time. Then it’s back to where you started.

The solution will show you the steps you can take to move from feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. It will show you how to gain more control over your life and  from this will flow more joyful experiences.

That raises another problem, of course: if YOU’RE in control of your life; if you are the captain at the wheel, who is responsible for steering the ship away from the rocks into calmer waters?

The REAL solution is knowing HOW to create a more beautiful life – and then doing it!

A number of useful books have been written to show readers HOW they can get past relationship problems and gain more love and harmony. The best of these will describe simple processes, and examples, that readers can easily follow and quickly apply to make a HUGE difference in their lives. There is one that can really help: