by Jef Nickerson

A perceptive article on Christian Marriage Counseling outlines the dynamics of a marriage breakdown. Those who fear their relationship is not as solid as they would like it to be will find these comments illuminating.

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Christian Marriage Counseling: Avoider Pursuer

By: Marriage Rescue Associates

In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we often hear how one spouse chases and begs the other with unhappy results.

The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.

Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.

Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.

When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.

“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?”  We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.

Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.

Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.

If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.

The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them.   The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.

Avoid:

Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.

If  separated:

Stop calling.
Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
Make appropriate social plans for yourself.

Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.

If still living together:

Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
Make plans for yourself.
Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.

When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.

The perfect mistress has long been a study of curiosity, speculation, resentment and even admiration. She has existed for centuries and probably since the dawn of early mankind. Attributes of the mistress are described in poems, songs, novels and even opera. Some of the most famous creative works, have been based on the role of the mistress. In regal circles, she has been known as a courtesan and many kings, princes and other nobles are known to have entertained them. This article looks at relationships from the mistress’s perspective.

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The Perfect Mistress

By Ruth Purple

Mistress – just the word itself imbibes negative impressions. Wives despise them and society looks down on them. Mistresses are associated with the word home wrecker with low morals. But if you really think about it, do they like being a mistress? Is that a choice they voluntarily choose or is it a written destiny? If there is such a thing as being “single-blessedness”- meaning people who are “blessed” or born to be single, is there such thing as “mistress-blessedness”? What kind of woman would chose to be a mistress in the first place? Being a mistress is never easy, so they say.

You cannot demand and you are constantly settling for stolen moments and attention. But since you are the other woman and everybody hates you, you might as well excel in what you do. And you’d better be good in keeping yourself anonymous or you will be forever obtaining the mark of the Scarlet Letter. A perfect mistress is a lady who is an expert in handling her man and knows how to keep him and the relationship hidden – if you can’t do both, then you are just a bimbo who likes to “do” somebody else’s husband. What does it takes to be the perfect other woman, you ask.

The number one rule of being the perfect other woman is – know where you stand. This is the rule of the universe to have order-knowing your place- everything should be in its proper place and order-like the sun and the moon, the land and the sea.

This means the other woman should never show affection in public to avoid scandal- scandal is worst than murder. Jesus was a victim of scandal, see what happened to him. So, if you don’t want to be crucified- save your urges inside the bedroom. The difference between a mistress and a wife is- a mistress never believes every word his lover is saying; another decree in being the perfect other woman- never believe what your man is saying to you.

In general, men are liars. They are driven to say whatever it takes to get what they want. “You understand me more that’s why I love you more than my wife.”- Never let this enter your head. This is usually a defense mechanism of a philandering man to justify his guilt for having a you.

Enjoy every moment when he is showering you with sweet nothings but be on top of it. A mistress should have an ally- and there’s no better perfect ally than his lover’s assistant or secretary. You should know how to have a rapport with his lover’s secretary- for two main reasons- to keep tract of his lover and to cover-up for them.

The other woman always remembers that curiosity kills - especially if you are curious about the wife. It’s tempting to see the person your lover chose to sleep at night even if he “doesn’t lover her”. Curiosity can become very insatiable and before you know it, you are face to face with the wife with a gun pointing in your head.

There are so many orders that a perfect adulteress should do but I will leave you with this one- discreetness. Mistresses should be synonymous with being discreet. A perfect adulteress should never brag or talk about being a mistress, she should never bad mouth or get jealous with the wife, the other woman should never ask for money, she should not travel with her lover- meet him somewhere else instead and most importantly she should never complain.

Mistresses, yes we don’t like the idea of them but they are also people whose only fault is being in love with the right person in the wrong time.

The author of this article Ruth Purple is a Relationship Coach who has been successfully coaching and guiding clients for many years. Ruth recently decided to go public and share her knowledge and experience through her website http://www.relazine.com. You can sign up for her free newsletter and join her coaching program.

Many people are looked at as dreamers or called romantic souls. Some people look down on them and say they live with their heads in the clouds. But I say they are the luckiest people alive, because they take time to smell the roses and see the beauty in life. They ignore the ugliness of the world and mankind and keep a positive and optimistic view of life. I say bring on the dreamers and romantics and make a better world for everyone.

Just as dreamers and romantics can make a better and happier world, so can being romantic make a better and happier marriage. Without romance a relationship can be dull and uninteresting, but with romance it will sparkle and remain new forever. So how do you keep the romance in your marriage? By doing little things that have a lot of meanig.

How often during 24 hours do you and your spouse say I love you. If you are like most married couples you should count the times and double or triple the amount. If you say I love you to your spouse at every opportunity, you will have nothing to regret in the future.

Do you share laughs together and have your own little secret jokes or happenings that just a look at each other will provoke a smile. These private jokes or things can have a romantic effect, and they are special because they belong to just the two of you.

Kissing. When you and your spouse first started dating, did you wonder if he would ever get up nerve enough to kiss you, and how thrilled you were when he did? I hope it’s not the same today. A kiss is meant to seal your love and your love should be sealed by kissing as many times a day as possible.

Other great romance builders are sharing and communication. Sharing the parts of your life that are lived away from your spouse and being open in your communications of the good, the bad and the ugly that happens during that time helps to have a binding effect, because your spouse won’t feel left out of that part of your life. So, keep the romance alive and keep the marriage a happy one.

Just because you have been married for some time and grown familiar with each other is no reason to let the romance die in your relationship. Romance is what begins nearly every loving relationship and it should be maintained throughout the relationship.

You don’t need to take moonlight cruises or sit on a park bench and neck. There are many small things that can be done just in the course of daily living to keep the romantic feeling alive in your marriage.

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