Intimacy Problems – How to Deal With Lack of Intimacy During Marriage

By Mia Carmel West

In a marriage, intimacy is an important part in the expression of love between married couples. Without it, marriage suffers because the couple will find it much more difficult to effectively show how much they really love their partner.

However, throughout the course of marriage, intimacy loses its efficacy and frequency for different reasons, leading couples to feel alone and distraught. Worse, they can end up divorced and separated.

Intimacy has become mostly associated with the physical and sexual, but intimacy also comes in different forms such as emotional and mental. What makes intimacy in all forms effective is how it is regularly performed by married couples.

Every time they converse and talk about what they really feel, share the same opinions, or have physical contact adds to their closeness and intimacy that got them married in the first place. When moments of intimacy in marriage do not occur as often as possible, it is normal for married couples to feel estranged, so it is highly important to become intimate on a regular basis to avoid any complications in your relationship.

However, when the damage has been done and intimacy has slowly but surely been washed away, it is time for you to evaluate some of things that have led to this instance in your life, as well as to explore the best possible actions you can take starting from here. It is best that both of you sit through the questions and answer them as honestly as possible so you can really know how you feel towards each other.

Below are some of the more important questions that you have to ask yourself in relation to the lack of your marital intimacy:

• How often have you been getting intimacy with your partner? Do you think lowly or highly of the moments you’ve been intimate? If you’ve rated low, how do you think both of you could improve your intimacy?
• Are you comfortable with your spouse? Is your partner comfortable with you? Do you think the comfort you feel towards each other has contributed to a low level of intimacy?
• Do both of you find each other sexy in their own way? What parts of the body do you find sexy with your partner? Taking the physical aspect out, do you still find your partner sexy?
• Do you really love your partner? How much and in what ways do you express and profess your love towards your spouse?
• Does your intimacy with each other changes when either of you talk or stay silent during a period of time?

Mia Carmel West is a subject matter expert in divorce and relationships. She has written three books that have helped couples make the best and most appropriate decision for their marriage and family. View and purchase her books that contain advice on how to get divorce or you can simply copy and paste this URL on your browser: http://www.divorceguide.com/bookstore/browse/should-you-divorce-divorce-and-separation-advice-from-divorce-guide.html.

Dan’s a workaholic. He loves what he does and will regularly work ten or twelve hour days. Because he’s so often absent, Lisa feels he isn’t there for her. Lisa, on the other hand, invests all her time in meeting the needs of their children. This leaves Dan feeling that she doesn’t have time for him.

Can this relationship be saved?

Should it be saved?

Here are the steps to take to save a relationship in turmoil.

Step One - decide if the relationship is worth saving. Almost any relationship can be saved. However, the process can be a rough road to travel and if both parties aren’t dedicated to making it work, there’s little likelihood of success. If you’re concerned about how to save a relationship, first make sure both parties are committed to saving it.

Step Two – pinpoint the problem in the relationship. Solving relationship problems isn’t always as easy as it sounds. Often, problems are masked by symptoms. For example, an affair is often viewed as the problem in a relationship when it’s actually a symptom hiding a much deeper problem. It may be that there’s a lack of intimacy in the relationship. It may be that there’s a lack of trust, or an addiction to porn or an addiction to sex. The affair is the result of an underlying core issue.

So it’s important to uncover the core issue (or issues) of the trouble in order to save the relationship.

Step Three – be open. Once you’ve identified the primary issues, it’s time to express your feelings and listen to your partner’s concerns. This can be a difficult process, but it can also be a rewarding process. Let your partner know how committed you are to reconnecting by holding your partner’s hand during this process.

There will be times when you’ll hear words that hurt. Remember that you and your partner aren’t trying to hurt each other. This is your opportunity to truly understand the depth of the problems that exist in the relationship and how they impact each of you. And this should be done with the sole purpose of saving the relationship.

Step Four – create an action plan. Once there’s a clear understanding between you and your partner of the core issues within the relationship, it’s time to decide how to deal with them. Work together to determine the steps each of you will take to correct the situation.

Step Five – follow through. An action plan will solve nothing unless you follow through. If you haven’t been spending enough time together, and your plan calls for a date night every week … set a night and keep that date no matter what. Short of an emergency, there should be no exceptions. If a lack of communication is a problem and you’ve decided to spend twenty minutes before bed talking … follow through.

Finally, understand that saving a relationship is an ongoing process. It doesn’t happen overnight. Solving relationship problems requires the complete commitment of both parties, and it can be a rough road with plenty of ups and downs. But isn’t spending your life with the one you love worth it?

Discover more great tips on saving a relationship after a breakup: Getting Back Together and Getting My Ex Back

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don’t believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person’s habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something “out of character” but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The “victim” of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I’ve identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reaction to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming “trophy chasers.” This “boys will be boys” mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of “being in love” and having that “loving feeling.”

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being “OK” may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to “work through” the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don’t recommend “marriage” counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn’t be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, “This too shall pass.” Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, “What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?” I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, “How’s it going?” And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity – to redesign one’s life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

Read the information on this page before it’s too late:

Gain More Love and Harmony – Now!

Anger problems are the cause of a lot of misery in intimate relationships. The increasing number of anger management classes available is one way society has attempted to help angry men fix their problems.

One of the major problems for angry men is the damage that is done to their relationships with their partners. Often they feel riddled with guilt over things they have done to the people they love the most.

Many of these relationships are filled with drama, crisis and conflict. Here are the common issues that men with anger problems face in their relationships with women.

1. Lack of intimacy. If your relationship is full of noisy conflict and then periods of angry silence, chances are you are not having a happy intimate life with your partner.

To feel intimate with someone you have to be able to trust them. To be trustworthy you need to be predictable. Angry men are not very predictable. Women will find it difficult to relax and be intimate with you because they do not know if you will suddenly change and become angry or start criticizing them.

2. Controlling behavior. Often angry men will want to decide what a woman can and can’t do, who she can see and where she can go. This is abusive behavior. Being controlling will cause a lot of problems in relationships.

Being angry most of the time make some men feel a need to try and control everything that goes on around them. They mistakenly believe that by trying to control others they will not lose control themselves. This is one of the key thought distortions that anger management classes can help men to change.

3. Blaming and criticism. Angry men lash out at others in an attempt to avoid facing their real feelings and taking responsibility for their lives. Often this is quite unconscious. They are not aware of why they use have angry outbursts or how to stop them.

Often they do not have the ability to manage feelings of grief, sadness or anxiety. Being angry is more acceptable for men in our society than being sad or anxious. This is a subtle pressure of men to manage their emotions with action instead of talking them over or expressing them truthfully.

This type of anger problem will affect your relationships with women, particularly if you swear and become aggressive with your partner when angry. Blaming and criticizing your partner will lead to a lack of intimacy and even more conflict in the long run. Living with a critical partner causes women to feel unhappy in a relationship. Criticizing a woman will not change her behavior; it will only cause more ill feelings between you.

Anger management classes can be very effective in helping men recognize these patterns and begin to change them. The internet has made it possible to take online anger management classes in the privacy of your own home. Learning effective methods to manage you anger problem can improve your relationships with women and reduce conflict.

Kate Hardy is a health professional who enjoys working with angry adults and teens. Online Anger Management Classes. FREE anger Management articles