by Jef Nickerson

A perceptive article on Christian Marriage Counseling outlines the dynamics of a marriage breakdown. Those who fear their relationship is not as solid as they would like it to be will find these comments illuminating.

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Christian Marriage Counseling: Avoider Pursuer

By: Marriage Rescue Associates

In our Marriage Counseling practice, Marriage Rescue Associates, we often hear how one spouse chases and begs the other with unhappy results.

The following illustrates a dynamic common to mankind. It’s even prevalent in the world of nature. Understanding this dynamic will be very valuable in regaining your spouse’s interest.

Relationships are like seesaws. For example, if one person expresses all the optimism and confidence, the other person is invited to feel all the pessimism and insecurity. One goes up—the other goes down.

Spouses often balance each other in this way in what is called the “Avoider- Pursuer” dynamic. When one person’s position is extreme, it literally forces their spouse to adopt an equally extreme position in the opposite direction.

When one person wants the marriage to work, fairly typical patterns emerge. The spouse who wants to preserve the marriage desperately pursues their mate, trying to reverse the momentum of the alienation. Usually there is pleading, begging, crying, threatening—anything—to try to win back the departing spouse.

“I know deep down inside you still love me,” she says, in an effort to convince him to keep trying, or “What about all these years together?”  We have a history that shouldn’t be thrown away,” she tells him, hoping he will see the light. “I promise I’ll change, I know it can work,” he tells her, praying she will give him one more chance.

Although these acts of desperation are understandable, they unfortunately have the paradoxical effect of increasing the chances of divorce. The more desperate the spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is, the less appealing he or she becomes. The result? The reluctant spouse becomes more certain that the decision to divorce is the right one and withdraws even further.

Pursuers have other things in common. As the marriage deteriorates, they often become obsessed with wanting to know their mate’s whereabouts and activities.

If separated, they may call many times a day, sometimes to check on their mate, other times to be reassured. These calls are usually met with anger or apathy, hardly the reassurance the caller needed. In fact, the distancing mate feels that the pursuer is try to control him or her, which inevitably leads to resistance.

The more one spouse worries about the breakdown of the marriage, the less the other spouse has to worry about it. The result? If you have been working overtime to convince your spouse that your marriage is worth saving, that you love each other, or you are worried about the children, you make it easy for him or her not to think or feel these things because you are doing it all for them.   The solution? Stop the chase! In fact, It’s not enough just to stop the chase, you must do a 180-degree about turn.

Avoid:

Don’t act down and depressed, don’t be clingy, no interrogations, no questions, no persuading, no convincing, be unavailable sometimes.

If  separated:

Stop calling.
Be unavailable sometimes when he/she stops over.
Act happy (like your old self) when they visit
Be more involved with others, children, parents, friends, etc while they are there.
Make appropriate social plans for yourself.

Be interested but not eager. Stick with it for awhile before you decide if it is working. Resist the impulse to ask for more of a commitment, or of seeming too eager. Allow enough time for the positive interactions to take hold. Don’t get complacent too soon, or you spouse will become distant again.

If still living together:

Stop calling him or her at work or other places.
Stop initiating sex or trying to be seductive.
Make plans for yourself.
Keep busy around the house when your spouse is present.
Act happy. (actually become a happier person, this is a decision!)
Stop questioning your spouse about their whereabouts, or who they are with.

When you focus less on your spouse and more on improving your own life and making yourself happy, you can start making your life enjoyable again. When your own life is in order, you feel better about yourself, which helps you be more clearheaded about your marriage.

When your husband doesn’t want to have sex it can be puzzling and disturbing. Insecurity and a rampant imagination can add greatly to the difficulties. Here is an article to consider which shines a light on the issues. After you’ve read it, don’t forget to provide your thoughts so everyone can know your comments:

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Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Sex? 5 Amazing Answers and Solutions

By Dr. Randy Carney

So you find your husband doesn’t want to have sex? That indeed is amazing to you because when you were first married, all you had to do was “show up,” and he was ready. The last thing you thought would happen to the two of you would be that you would have marriage intimacy problems.

This state of your marriage is also amazing to you because you read books saying that for many husbands, his number one or number two need is physical intimacy. When your husband doesn’t want sex, many questions can form in your mind.

This may start to cause insecurity on your part. Does he not love you anymore? Does he not find you attractive? While sometimes this may be the case, surprisingly, many times there are other factors..While this may not represent some of the biggest marriage problems, it can certainly be one of the top marriage problems when it reaches extremes.

Some who help others work through marriage problems have discovered a secret.

Here is the secret:

When a husband does not want to have sex, yes, the wife should check up on the two areas in insecurity just mentioned, but actually there are five answers to the question. Each of these five answers do NOt mean that he does not love you anymore. Neither do they mean that he no longer finds you attractive;

Here are the surprising five answers and some solutions:

1. He may be experiencing some physical problems, and he is embarrassed to talk to you about it. some of these types of problems can be very damaging to his ego. Since he wants you to look up to him, he finds it difficult to talk about this kind of failure. Solution: work on keeping lines of communication open. Be understanding. Help him feel comfortable enough to talk to you. These types of problems can be helped by consulting a medical professional.

2. He may have something bothering him outside of the marriage. There may be countless pressures from his job. He may be experiencing stress. He may be worried about financial struggles. It may even surprise him that this type of stress affects the physical area of marriage. Solution: Give support. Find ways to help him relax. Reassure him of your respect.

3. He may need to connect on a deeper emotional level. You both may find this surprising, since many tend to connect the emotional level more to the wife. On the other hand, the husband wants real love and respect. If he feels you are just tolerating him, he can experience a whole range of emotions that even he may not be able to understand. Solution: Go beyond the superficial. When he wants to connect on deeper levels. Be there, ready to talk and to listen.

4. He has a deep need for your admiration and respect. If he does not feel that he has that, he may feel beaten down–less of a man. If unchecked, this can lead to a surprising failure for him in the sexual area. Solution: be truly grateful for his good points. Avoid nagging. Avoid cutting him down. Be especially careful of what your say about him in public. Truly show your respect and admiration wherever you can.

5. He may need to have a key ingredient restored. That ingredient is passion–passion like your earlier days. The problem is that every marriage goes through a type of progression. The passion actually will take different forms. However, do what you can to bring variety into your experience. Encourage him anytime he does something right that excites you. When a little passion surfaces, add fuel to the fire.

These five amazing answers and solutions to the situations where your husband doesn’t want to have sex can be very helpful. However, they do not form the whole answer. Get all the information you can about ways to restore and enrich your marriage.

Actually, besides these five solutions, there are six keys to marital bliss. Marriage Intimacy and Six Keys to Marital Bliss. Find Out What You Need to Know About Marriage Intimacy and How it Contibutes to Marital Bliss. http://www.DrRandyCarney.Webs.Com/GreatphysicalIntimacy.htm Dr. Randy Carney is the author of The LOVING Way to a Successful Marriage: Six Keys to Mariatal Bliss. Copyright by Randy Carney.

Many people experience forms of jealousy throughout their life. It can begin at a young age with siblings and parents, competition at school and after moving its’ way through friends and other important figures finally finds the place where it often does the most damage: romance. Jealousy is a particularly tricky aspect of relationships because it is often said that a small amount can be healthy, while too much is destructive.

To understand why people feel jealous it is important to know what these feelings often stem from. Insecurity and low self-esteem are often culprits and certainly a bad experience or past trauma can be an excellent source. Though often obvious this emotion is capable of coming out in ways that are subtle and difficult to pinpoint at times which can be extremely frustrating for all involved.

Some of the most common outward displays of jealousy may not immediately make others, or the person experiencing these emotions aware that it is in fact the true problem:

* Anger: A secondary emotion and probably the one most commonly linked with jealousy, anger is a nasty side effect of this emotion and can do great damage to a relationship.

* Irritability: This feeling’s cause can be difficult to identify, but can easily be caused by jealousy.

* Irrational Behavior: Often felt and acted upon in situations where a person is feeling jealous but cannot remove themselves from the source or may be seeking a way to strike at the source. This can also manifest as a coping mechanism when one is near the source causing the feelings of jealousy.

* Sadness: Another secondary emotion that when caused by jealousy is usually felt when one feels at a loss for a solution to the original problem. Often accompanies a feeling of defeat or loss for the object of jealousy.

* Unreasonable: If one is having great deal difficulty in identifying their jealousy or getting it under control they may speak or act in ways that are contrary to their normal behavior.

If the person who is experiencing jealous feelings is capable of escaping those feelings when not in the presence of anything that may remind them some relief may be experienced. Understanding that many things can be linked to those feelings of jealousy is also very important as any reminder can cause a great deal of frustration:

* People: The most obvious place to begin looking is when certain uncomfortable feelings arise when in the presence of a particular person, or anything that reminds you of that person. If the feelings of jealousy are strong enough, even introducing that person’s name into the conversation can cause them to feel uneasy.

* Places: Negative emotions that arise when near, or in a specific place that remind you of something, or someone that you are jealous of can be overwhelming. If the place in question is one where something took place that caused you to feel unhappy these feeling may arise, even when you love places that have been tainted your adoration may not be able to overcome your negative feelings.

* Objects: An object that is symbolic of something that hurt you may cause you to feel jealous and unhappy because it reminds you of something that causes you pain. If the memory attached to the object is particularly strong the association can last for years.

* Music: Because music invokes such powerful emotions from the majority of the population it can be a painful reminder of jealous feelings. Any piece of music that one may associate with someone or something that causes them to feel jealousy may be very difficult to listen to.

* Images: From paintings to films the images that remind one of their jealous feelings can cause many of the secondary emotions to rise up such as anger or sadness.

It is important to identify the original event(s) that may have led to a later feeling of jealousy when reminded of them. Pinpointing the specific reasons for these emotions may help one work through such emotions and eliminate any need to feel jealousy, though this may take some time and possible the aid of a professional therapist if the emotions are too strong. Beginning with some basic questions about how you feel about your jealousy may be an excellent place to start; some of the following questions may help you to explore the causes of your feelings:

* When did you first feel jealous and of who/what?

* What did this feeling make you think of? Anything in your past?

* Are there other people/objects/places that seem to cause the same kinds of feelings?

* Why do you think that you are experiencing these feelings?

* Who or what do you feel angry with?

* When you feel this jealousy, how do you want to act on it?

* Do you feel that your reactions are unreasonable when you’re calm again?

* Do you feel out of control when you become jealous?

* Have you stopped normal behavior, going places you would normally or doing things that you love to do in order to avoid these feelings?

Conquering jealousy can be very difficult depending upon the source and intensity of the feeling. Be assured that though a little jealousy can be endearing, too much is often a great way to destroy a relationship. In many cases the real problem with jealousy in relationships has a lot to do with trust; if a person is unable to trust their partner they may find that they are frequently suspicious of their partner’s actions.

Only you and the person you love can draw conclusions about what level of jealousy is acceptable and what may be hurting your relationship, or either of you personally. Remember that treating your partner as though they aren’t deserving of your trust, when they have taken no action to cause it, will often lead to a breakup.

One excellent rule to follow if one is feeling particularly jealous in a romantic relationship is to keep in mind that without trust between you and your partner your relationship has a good chance of ending, so either find a way to trust or figure out why it is that you are unable to.

In the end the green eyed monster often gets the best of most people from time to time; try to minimize the frustration caused by jealousy and you will be likely to enjoy a far greater relationship with any friend, relative or lover in your life.

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Article Source: ArticleSpan

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Maybe you are too jealous but, as you might have realized, it does not come by choice. It is a strong emotion which works you up to regrettable levels.

Maybe you are the kind of a person who does very stupid things in the heat of the moment and you are left embarrassed. You might spot your lover with a prospective boss, start hurling abuse and maybe even get physical.

This is a dangerous level which might drive your lover away from you unless it is kept in check. To overcome jealousy in romantic relationships, you must first of all discover the root of the disturbing emotion. Did she cheat on you once? Does the other person shower him with overflowing favors? It will help if you understand the root of your insecurity.

To overcome jealousy in romantic relationships, learn how to handle competition. Attractive people are approached for dating all the time. Accept what you cannot change and walk around it. To remain top of the list you must be able to beat others who might be in competition for her/his love. Jealousy will only eat you up and leave you feeling bad, sad and unloved. Do not walk in the shadow of ignorance.

If you do not reveal your jealousy, you will learn so much about your lover. He/she will voluntarily tell you about who is chasing after him or her but just with a light touch. Your reaction might determine what should be communicated to you in the future. If you are abreast of his/her admirers you are way ahead because you have a chance to beat them before they start their game. To overcome jealousy in romantic relationships encourage openness in a relationship.

To overcome jealousy in romantic relationships, talk about it. When your lover knows that it  makes you uneasy when you are in the company of some people, he/she is a position to do a lot to spare you the agony. She might start flirting with you when company is around and maybe a public show of affection will reduce your insecurity and thus help you overcome jealousy.

She is best placed to assure you of her love and to take it a step further by announcing it to the whole world. Do not die with your feelings. Confess what your love for her is driving at. Chances are it will do you more good than harm. Off course when you declare your feelings it will be a sure sign of love and affection towards her.

I encourage communication because some things we do as human beings are intentional. Your lover might be subjecting you to so much heartache in a mission to prove something. These are games lovers play. Some believe that a jealous lover is a true lover. Due to the rising levels of betrayal and malice in the dating scene, people are keen to look for real love. She might be praising  another just to watch your reaction. If you respond positively, the subjection stops and life continues.

If you consider disclosing jealousy a weakness and persevere with it you may be subjected to more. Do not overcome jealousy in romantic relationships on your own. Involve your lover and you might even discover it was not your weakness after all.

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Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

Read the information on this page before it’s too late:

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