by Lasse Havelund

What To Say To Your Husband’s Mistress

I often get emails from wives asking for guidance on how to deal with or talk to their husband’s mistress. I recently heard from a woman who said, in part: “My husband won’t give up the other woman. I think that this is partly because she won’t back off. It’s obvious that she is not going to stop until she has my husband all to herself. She has been texting me and asking if we can meet to talk about this. I want to see her face to face, but, as silly as this sounds, I’m not sure what to say to her. I’m afraid if I start talking, all of the anger and pain will come pouring out and I’ll lose control over my emotions and say or do something I’m going to regret. I don’t want to show her that she’s gotten under my skin. But I want to tell her to back off and get out of our lives. What can I say to accomplish this?”

I don’t know many wives who haven’t fantasized about looking the mistress in the face and saying something so powerful to her that the words make her instantly regretful and out of your life. This is the fantasy. But it is rarely the reality. Most of the feedback that I get about such meetings or discussions is negative. No matter what you do or say, it usually backfires and turns out disastrous.

The wife usually goes with an agenda. And, this is often to size up the mistress, make her believe that the marriage is going to be saved so there is no place for her, and convince her to just go away. But, the mistress usually has her own agenda and the two often can not happen at the same time. She will usually not fight all that fairly and her goal is usually to make you have more (instead of less) doubts. In short, she wants to size you up as much as you want to do the same to her. She wants to get a feel of who she is dealing with. And she will typically use any knowledge that she gains against you and any negativity that you give her to justify her own actions.

In short, it’s my experience that this a situation in which the wife can’t win. Because she’s going to try to appeal to the moral compass and compassion of someone who hasn’t shown all that much of the same. She certainly hasn’t respected your marriage and your feelings up until this point, so why would she start now? Many wives tell me that they are hoping if the mistress sees that she’s dealing with a real person and real family, she might back off. And, this can sometimes make her take pause.

But, think about it. She likely would not have requested the meeting (or agreed to meet) if she weren’t still invested in the relationship with your husband. If the relationship was completely over and there was nothing left for her, she would likely just walk away without all the fanfare and the need to meet. You ask to ask yourself what is in this for you (and what she’s hoping to accomplish.) I know that you very much hope that this is going to give you closure and control, but it so rarely does. Often, the mistress will make you believe that your husband was the pursuer (and still is.) Typically, you’ll walk away from this meeting even more insecure and doubtful than when you started.

It’s actually my opinion that you should never give the mistress an “in.” What I mean by this is if you’re trying to salvage your marriage, this woman has absolutely no place in it. You are only giving her more power over you by continuing to include her. It’s my experience that your best bet is to just ignore her, refuse to engage, and ask your husband to do the same.

And truthfully, if someone in your family is going to tell her to go away, it needs to be your husband. She is only going to believe and heed these words if they come from him. Because if they come from you, she’s going to run right to your husband and report back. This is going to give her (at least in her mind) a reason to need to contact him and engage again. Do not give her any such ammunition.

I’m fully aware that although this insight might make sense to you, you may well still feel that you need to talk to this woman. I do respect and understand this. But my advice would be that if you absolutely have to talk to the mistress, you make the conversation incredibly short and one sided. Say what you need to say and then walk away. (This is why a letter or an email can be preferable because she can’t engage or interrupt you, but be careful of what you put in writing.)

Ask yourself what you truly want for her to know and to take away from this. For most women, it’s that her actions were extremely deplorable and you want for them to end immediately. If you go into a long rant about how she’s hurt your family, you show your vulnerability. You want to appear strong, capable, and in control. To that end, you could simply say that you are fully aware of her actions and don’t want her anywhere near any members of your family from today forward. Period.

Many wives want to go into how they are going to save the marriage or the dynamics of the relationship. I don’t think you should go there. Your marriage is none of her business. She has no place within it. And bringing up it, again, in her mind, might be another “in.” Your goal really is to swiftly and decidedly shut the door without a lot of debate on her end.

I understand the need to focus on the mistress, but it’s my experience that you’re typically better off focusing on yourself, your marriage, and your husband. I know that this is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and I no longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com

from Monty Python’s Flying Circus Season 1 – Episode 02 – Sex and Violence Recorded 30-08-69 , Aired 12-10-69 I’m slowly uploading the entire Flying Circus series… Got any requests?

“How can I get a date?” This has been an age-old question for single, lonely men and women throughout the ages. And, let’s face it – we have all asked ourselves this question at one point or another. Everyone faces a time in their lives when they have trouble hooking up with that right person for a date.

When you are looking for a date, it can feel like everyone but you has someone. And – it may even seem like certain other men or women you know have got some special “something” that makes it easy for them to get dates. The good news is, relationship dating techniques are very learnable, and anyone can do it if you have the right guidance.

Here are 5 relationship dating techniques that will put you in the position to hook up with that desirable somebody in no time:

1. Fish where the fish are:

There is an old saying among fishermen: fish where the fish are. In the world of dating, of course, this translates to: spend time and hang out where the desirable men and women are. This may sound obvious, but many people ignore this advice completely.

They spend time alone on Saturday nights with a book, watching favorite TV shows, or surfing the Internet. Of course, that is the safest option for spending Saturday night. Trouble is, it is guaranteed not to net you a date. Instead, spend time where there are a lot of desirable potential mates hanging around. Could a bookstore, could be a bar, could be church – or even a rave. It doesn’t matter where you go, just as long as you put yourself where the fish are.

2. Get involved:

If you are like most people, you have settled into a routine that goes something like this: go to work/school, come home, engage in TV/Internet, go to bed . . . [repeat pattern next day]. Chances are you, if you think real hard, you will remember of a few hobbies that you used to love – or that you don’t spend enough time doing. The point is: zero in on what these hobbies are – these things you love to do – and find a way to do engage in them that can involve other people.

Try online sites like MeetUp to get you away from your computer and in the presence of other who love what you love. Interested people are inherently more attractive than are people stuck in a rut. With just a little effort, you will find yourself in the midst of a bunch of potential mates. And, in the meantime, you will have rekindled your passion for life.

3. Tap friends and family for an introduction:

If you are fortunate enough to have at least one good friend or family member in this world, congratulations, you have a network (if not, revisit #2 above and you soon will).

That means that it is highly likely that they know someone (who knows someone, etc.) who is great dating material. So, don’t be shy: leverage your personal contacts and ask them for an introduction to someone they think might be a love connection for you. What’s the worst that can happen? If you strike out on the blind date(s) they set you up on, you now have some more dating experience under your belt for next time.

4. Get a dog and take it for walks:

As common wisdom dictates, dogs and babies are great conversation starters. That is why it is so easy to meet other people at a dog park if you have a dog, and it’s the same reason why mothers find it so easy to hook up with other moms in their area.

Try borrowing a friend’s dog or signing up to be a part-time professional dog walker. I guarantee that your dog will be a conversation starter. This is a great way to practice your communication skills, and it just might land you a date. (And, if you are a single parent, try joining a parent/child group in your area).

5. Put your most attractive self forward:

Many lonely single people resist putting too much effort into coming across and looking their best. This, of course, is a mistake if you want to get a date. Every time you leave your house, make sure you are clean, smelling good, and wearing clothes that make you look your best.

If you are woman, try giving men a little eye contact now and again. If you are a man, project the right balance between cool confidence and humility. Put forth your best side and the best sides of others will be reflected back at you.

A parting thought: some lonely, single people harbor a flawed-but-understandable way of thinking that says, “If I risk and fail I will end up looking and feeling bad, but if I don’t try at all I have no chance of failing.” This type of thinking leads to inaction, and inaction is the greatest enemy of people looking for a date.

Have your eye on someone you want to make yours? Check out this expert seduction advice that has helped thousands of others find relationship bliss at: www.insider-seduction-advice.com

Article Source: ArticleSpan

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