by Peter Eastern

Do Men Cheat More Than Women?

by Dean Cortez

So who cheats more, men or women? This is a popular and controversial question. There aren’t any exact statistics available on this, and the numbers would surely be innacurate, anyway. This is because when it comes to people admitting their cheating in polls and surveys, men tend to inflate their number of affairs and sexual partners,
while women tend to hide or downplay the extent of their extramarital affairs.

According to a poll conducted by WomanSavers.com, over 62% of women think that en
cheat more than women. This isn’t surprising — because most of the voters were women!

Naturally, women believe that men do most of the cheating, while men will argue that women cheat “just as much as they do.”

Is this really true? Some experts say that these days, women and men do cheat in equal numbers. The difference is that men who cheat tend to be more “serial” about it — they cheat with a variety of sexual partners. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to get into a longer-term extramarital relationship.

Decades ago, men surely did most of the cheating because they had far more opportunities to do so. It is true that most affairs begin in the workplace, and back then, men were the only ones that HAD a workplace to go to. Women stayed at home and took care of the kids and the household.

Today, of course, men and women are both in the workplace and interacting with members of the opposite sex. Women are spending more time at work with their male colleagues than at home with their husbands. The workplace is also fertile ground for cheating because people tend to leave their grumpy feelings behind when they go to work. At home, people are stressed out over bills, taking care of the kids, and problems with their spouse; when they go to work, they can leave all of that behind.

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Also, people tend to look their best at work. They want to look attractive and presentable. In the workplace, men see women — and women see men — in their “best light.” It’s not the same when they’re at home, lounging around in a pair of sweatpants.   

According to a survey, 46 percent of unfaithful wives and 62 percent of unfaithful husbands have had affairs with someone they met at work. So you see, cheating at the workplace is a very big problem — and it’s happening with both men and women.

Another interesting statistic shows that the more money a husband has, or earns, the more likely he is to cheat on his wife. Having cash enables a man to travel, to join clubs, and to take time off from work. It also enables him to purchase gifts for other women, or pay for hotel rooms and travel when they want to get together.

Men who don’t have much money tend to spend more time and attention on their families.

They have less time alone (which could otherwise be spent pursuing women), and they lack the funds to carry on affairs or take care of a mistress. But, this is not to say that the Average Joe who earns a regular wage is not going to cheat. Many of these guys do cheat, they just tend to have a harder time covering their tracks — and they often get busted.

Through my research, I’ve also found that most men who cheat aren’t looking to get involved in long-term “affairs” with one woman. In America, it’s not common for cheating men to keep a mistress on the side. It’s much more likely that they are pursuing casual sex with different women, and one-night stands.

The other big question people ask is WHY men cheat, versus why women cheat. Do men and women stray for different reasons? The common assumption is that men are ruled by their sex drives and cheat mostly for sexual gratification, while women cheat when they feel emotionally neglected.

Well, my research has shown that “neglect” is the operative word in MOST cheating situations. When men feel neglected, they cheat. When a woman feels neglected by her husband, she’ll be open to offers from other men. This neglect can come in many forms — in the bedroom, or simply not taking an active interest in your partner’s feelings and being emotionally supportive when they have troubles.

The reason why infidelity is so common in our society is that too many people place more value on their careers, children, hobbies and friends than they do on their relationships with their partners. When you neglect your relationship and your partner, it’s may be only a matter of time before they start looking for happiness elsewhere. No one wants to feel neglected.

The bottom line is this: if you want to avoid becoming yet another infidelity statistic, you must nurture your relationship on a daily basis and pay attention the warning signs, before it’s too late.

Perhaps one of the most damaging incidents in a relationship – requiring action to save a marriage – is the infidelity of one partner. As both invest trust in their bond, to discover the other did not respect this can be extremely harmful to the long-term prospects of the relationship. It need not end this way. Here are some ideas that may hep.

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Infidelity – How to Save A Marriage After Infidelity

Some people claim that an affair should always end a relationship. Yes, of all the things that can tear apart a marriage, infidelity is one of the biggest reasons. Extramarital affairs are a betrayal of all the things that marriage is supposed to be about. A marriage is supposed to be a union of two lives, two people bonded together for a lifetime and breaking that bond is one of the most difficult things to overcome.

But I believe that even after the affair every relationship is savable if both parties really want to work on it.  It takes two to make it work and not only one can do it so you both have to be in agreement to work on your relationship together, otherwise you are wasting life.

In a marriage, infidelity isn’t just what happens when somebody begins a physical relationship outside of the marriage. Infidelity can also be emotional, when one of the partners in a marriage begins to share their life with someone outside the marriage.

This is known as emotional infidelity, and it has become an even more serious problem in the last few decades. One of the reasons for this is because workplaces, one of our prime social engagements in modern times, have become increasingly more mixed.

In addition to that it is even easier to communicate with people on the sly. Instant messaging and texting, emails have all made it easier to bond with people that you shouldn’t be bonding with. While this isn’t the cause of emotional infidelity, it is a factor.

At the same time, physical infidelity has also become easier. We spend more time apart than we once did, and it is not at all uncommon to spend the majority of time at work, which gives us a very handy excuse when we make the decision to cheat in our marriage. Infidelity is a choice, make no mistake about that.

But the thing to remember is that all of these things are excuses and opportunities, not reasons. Changing the excuses won’t change the marriage, won’t solve anything. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t overcome cheating in marriage. Infidelity is a big problem, but it is not an insurmountable one.

The very first thing you need to do is to figure out what went wrong in your marriage. Infidelity isn’t something that happens in a vacuum; there is always a reason when things like that happen. Something has broken in your relationship and it needs to be fixed in order to get past the cheating.

You need to make sure that you don’t blame the other person. Yes, they cheated on you. No, it wasn’t your fault. But you need to move past it, because playing the blame game will only delay the kind of emotional healing that needs to take place. You need to, as best you can, put it all behind you.

Once you’ve found out why and began work on it, you need to reestablish the trust in the marriage. “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships” – Stephen R. Covey

Infidelity destroys trust, and it’s going to be difficult after the affair to repair what was been broken. You need to work on rebuilding the trust. Don’t expect it to happen right away, and don’t expect it to be easy.

Infidelity is terrible, but every relationship can be repaired. If you can follow these steps, you can save your marriage. You just need to be willing to find the advice and the help you need to repair your relationship.

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If you are concerned that your spouse might be cheating on you, then you need to be aware of some of the common signs of adultery. Have a look at possible indicators  which are described in the article which follows. You can also add your own thoughts.

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Signs Of Adultery. Is Your Spouse Cheating On You?

Infidelity has become a major problem, affecting more and more couples. It is estimated that 15% of women and 25% of men are cheating on their spouses or significant others. What are the commonest signs of adultery and how can you recognize them?

Each time when a partner tries to discuss the relationship seriously the other should pay close attention. Otherwise, he or she could find somebody else to talk with. You won’t get rid of problems by ignoring or discounting them. Communication is the key to a successful relationship. It’s better to find out now what’s going wrong in your relationship then to hide yourself behind excuses.

Sometimes, the unfaithful partner tries to find excuses for the cheating behavior, so he or she criticizes you, telling that you’re too fat, too lazy, too jealous, etc. If this wasn’t going down before, it means that he or she is searching for a reason to blame you for their cheating. Do not let yourself affected by these malicious comments, because they are unjustified.

A common sign of infidelity is when the couples suddenly commence to quarrel frequently, generally started by the cheating partner. Specialists believe that such conflicts occur in 100% of cases. The reason for this can be that the cheater feels trapped in a bad relationship and wants to cause conflict and justify their own ambivalence about their affair.

Experts believe one of the signs of adultery is when the unfaithful partner begins to spend extravagantly, buying expensive gifts for the innocent partner, partly because of feeling of guilt and partly to cover other extra expenses of maintaining an affair. Even but it’s troublesome to accept, regardless of how pleasant and flattering these gifts are, such a situation may be a cover for extramarital affairs.

When the attitude of those who work with your partner changes suddenly with respect to you, experts recommend maximum attention. Such an attitude will be due to the fact that most colleagues already know about the extramarital of your partner and either have pity or contempt for you depending on what your partner has revealed to them.

Most unfaithful people can’t stop from cheating their partners. Maybe there is a good explanation or maybe it’s a misunderstanding. Adopt a relaxed tone and talk about your problems as a couple if you can. Though if you find the signs of adultery to be overwhelming, realize that there will not be anything you can do to salvage the relationship.

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Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don’t believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person’s habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something “out of character” but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The “victim” of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I’ve identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reaction to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming “trophy chasers.” This “boys will be boys” mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of “being in love” and having that “loving feeling.”

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being “OK” may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 – 4 years to “work through” the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don’t recommend “marriage” counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered – of one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn’t be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, “This too shall pass.” Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, “What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?” I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, “How’s it going?” And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity – to redesign one’s life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com

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