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by Pete Ashton

Dealing With Your Husband’s Mistress: How Should Or Can You Do It?

Of all of the emails that I get from wives struggling to deal with their husband’s affair, topics about dealing with or confronting the mistress are perhaps the most common.  Women want to know if they should attempt to find out who this woman is, if they should confront her, if they should talk to her when she keeps calling, or if they can believe anything that she says or does. 

Many also want to know the best way to get revenge on her. Some even want to appeal to her sense of decency, hoping to convince her to leave the husband alone. (Hint: she’s already shown that she doesn’t have any decency.  Negotiating with her is a waste of time.) In the following article, I’ll tell you what I often tell my reader’s about a husband’s mistress.

Why Having Any Dealings With Your Husband’s Mistress Almost Always Turns Out Bad: Almost without fail, the wives who report back about their interactions with the other woman are completely unsatisfied with how things went down.  Most of the time, meeting with her brings about more questions than answers.  It actually just makes you feel worse and more frustrated.  A lot of the time, she will paint the husband as the one who initiated the whole thing, while she is the innocent one.  She will give you the version of the story which paints her in the most flattering light.  However, this version is often just not accurate.

Sometimes, wives want to see what she looks like, only to discover that she’s not at all what you imagined.  This just makes processing all of this more impossible.  Because, the only one who can define why your husband carried on with her and what your husband saw in her is your husband himself.  Most times, wives are looking for this information from the wrong person.  The mistress knows nothing about your life or your objections.  In truth, she is and should remain a stranger to you.  By allowing her into your life, you’re giving her WAY too much power over you.

Whether You Want To Save Your Marriage Or Not, You Should Not Allow The Mistress Into Your Life:  If you want to save your marriage, you want to get this woman out of your life immediately, not allow her into it.  Your best case scenario is to banish her altogether and completely.  You don’t want for you or your husband to think about her or to interact with her.  And, this is the opposite of what she wants.  In order for her to be successful, she needs to position herself in your world.  She needs to get a strong hold on your husband and your life.  Fight her every inch of the way here if you want to save your marriage. Communicating with her, confronting her, or seeking revenge are all ways of giving her an “in.” Resist this at all costs.

If you are going to walk away from the marriage, you still want to steer clear of her.  Why? Because even if you know that they deserve each other, you can’t have the constant reminder of the pain and betrayal.  You want to allow yourself to heal and she is not part of that equation.  Your healing is going to depend on your ability to put this behind you.  You can’t do that if you’re constantly in touch with her or having to deal with her.  Shut the door on her immediately, Slam it right in her face.  She doesn’t deserve to ease her conscience or to satisfy her curiosity about what’s going on with you.

When You Win And She Looses: What the mistress doesn’t want is for you to remain whole.  Even if she didn’t initially set out to hurt anyone, she knew that her actions were going to have consequences.  Yet, she moved forward anyway.  She has drawn a line in the sand.  Some wives will tell me: “well, she’s won. She’s got my husband. I’m the odd man out.”  This makes when cringe when I hear this.  Because really, the only way that she wins is if you let her.  If you want your husband away from her, take him back.  If they deserve each other, great, let them go.  But, respect and love yourself enough to rise above this. Don’t allow her to continue to hurt and weaken you. 

In truth, you emerge the winner when you don’t allow this to beat you.  Statistically, most men who cheat come back to their wives or at least eventually end the affair.  Your husband will see her as a mistake eventually.  And, when he does, she’s going to be a lot more desolate if she’s wallowing in her own misery all alone – with out your husband and without you bearing witness. 

What she doesn’t want is your happiness.  Make absolutely sure that you have that, whether you end up with your husband or not. Then, you’ve won and she’s lost.  All she has is regret and loneliness because both you and your husband have moved on and have left her in the dust.

I know that even contemplating your husband’s mistress is painful and difficult, but make sure that you don’t give her more power than she deserves. And, healing is often closer than you may think. It took a lot of work and patience, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

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It’s a very common concern for women of all ages: How To Talk To Men With Confidence. This article pays special attention to younger men but the principles are just as applicable to those who are more mature. The points raised have special relevance to those who are dating but can also benefit those who are in ongoing relationships.
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How To Talk To Men and Boys With Confidence

When it comes to relating to the opposite sex, not everyone is born with confidence or conversational adeptness. Fortunately, with practice and the following tried and tested tricks anyone can develop these skills.

Work out what you want

Have in mind the goal of your conversation before it starts. Do you want to let him know that you’re interested in him? Do you just want to catch up and have a laugh? Identify the goal and set a strategy for how you’ll achieve it.

One good way to break the ice with a guy (if you’re confident enough) is to be totally honest with him and tell him what your agenda is. For example, if you’re talking to a guy who you have a crush on and you really want to discover whether he’s single, you could say something like, “When I walked over here, I promised myself I wouldn’t leave until I found out if you had a girlfriend or not!”

Or if you’re on a date with a guy you’ve just started seeing and your goal is to be less shy, say something along the lines of, “I was thinking that I’ve been pretty quiet on our other dates. Today I decided I want to let you know what I’m like.” Setting a strategy helps to keep a potentially unnerving situation in perspective.

Be your fabulous self

Be the individual you are, not a clone of him. There is nothing more annoying for a boy than when a girl goes along with everything he says. Don’t be afraid to express likes and dislikes or to share opinions. For example, if a boy asks what you’d like to eat or what movie you’d like to see, do not automatically respond, “I don’t mind” or “Whatever you want”.

And give him an honest response. If you really don’t have any preference then it is okay to say so. Your tastes and views do not have to be the same as the guy you’re talking to. You don’t have to listen to the same music, or support the same football team, or agree with his political or religious beliefs.

It is okay to disagree with his opinions as long as you are respectful. Standing up for what you belief in commands respect and it also gives him the chance to get to know the real you and what you are passionate about.

Take risks

No one, no matter how pretty, intelligent or funny, gets the response they want from others ALL of the time. Most of us have some experience of rejection, but that is what helps us hone our tuning skills! Take comfort from this and don’t be disheartened if a boy you like doesn’t reciprocate your interest.

The saying “One person’s trash is another person’s treasure” rings true here. Another saying, “You’ve got to be in it to win it”, is also true. You don’t want to be left wondering what might have happened if you’d had the courage to go and talk to him, so take a chance and put yourself on the line!

Getting what you want

Once you’ve got your boy’s attention there are a few tried and tested tricks for keeping it. The most important thing is to show a genuine interest in him. Smile at him, maintain eye contact, maybe touch his arm to emphasize a point. People love talking about themselves so try asking him questions. Keep it simple, like, what music do you listen to? What’s it like living at your place? How do you get on with your family? What’s the best holiday you’ve ever been on? What do you like to do on weekends?

If you are feeling self-conscious, an added benefit of getting a boy to talk about himself is that it takes the spotlight off you. Once he starts confiding you’ll feel more relaxed and be able to talk about yourself too.

Watch and learn

Observe others and then develop your own style. Pay attention to the girls who are more confident and flirty. Watch these girls in action and take note of exactly what they say, do, and even what mannerisms they use. Not everyone is born with conversational adeptness but anyone can develop it. Mix what works with your own style.

Positive Visualization

Before you approach a boy give yourself a pep talk. The thoughts we have influence our mood and our behavior so concentrate on happy vibes. Dismiss any negative thoughts and substitute them with positive thoughts. If you anticipate that someone is going to laugh in your face or find what you are saying boring, you are likely to feel sad, anxious and defeated. If you remember all the compliments you have been given or a time when you had a friend in stitches laughing, you are likely to feel happy, calm and confident. Visualize success and it is more likely to occur.

Perhaps one of the most damaging incidents in a relationship – requiring action to save a marriage – is the infidelity of one partner. As both invest trust in their bond, to discover the other did not respect this can be extremely harmful to the long-term prospects of the relationship. It need not end this way. Here are some ideas that may hep.

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Infidelity – How to Save A Marriage After Infidelity

Some people claim that an affair should always end a relationship. Yes, of all the things that can tear apart a marriage, infidelity is one of the biggest reasons. Extramarital affairs are a betrayal of all the things that marriage is supposed to be about. A marriage is supposed to be a union of two lives, two people bonded together for a lifetime and breaking that bond is one of the most difficult things to overcome.

But I believe that even after the affair every relationship is savable if both parties really want to work on it.  It takes two to make it work and not only one can do it so you both have to be in agreement to work on your relationship together, otherwise you are wasting life.

In a marriage, infidelity isn’t just what happens when somebody begins a physical relationship outside of the marriage. Infidelity can also be emotional, when one of the partners in a marriage begins to share their life with someone outside the marriage.

This is known as emotional infidelity, and it has become an even more serious problem in the last few decades. One of the reasons for this is because workplaces, one of our prime social engagements in modern times, have become increasingly more mixed.

In addition to that it is even easier to communicate with people on the sly. Instant messaging and texting, emails have all made it easier to bond with people that you shouldn’t be bonding with. While this isn’t the cause of emotional infidelity, it is a factor.

At the same time, physical infidelity has also become easier. We spend more time apart than we once did, and it is not at all uncommon to spend the majority of time at work, which gives us a very handy excuse when we make the decision to cheat in our marriage. Infidelity is a choice, make no mistake about that.

But the thing to remember is that all of these things are excuses and opportunities, not reasons. Changing the excuses won’t change the marriage, won’t solve anything. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t overcome cheating in marriage. Infidelity is a big problem, but it is not an insurmountable one.

The very first thing you need to do is to figure out what went wrong in your marriage. Infidelity isn’t something that happens in a vacuum; there is always a reason when things like that happen. Something has broken in your relationship and it needs to be fixed in order to get past the cheating.

You need to make sure that you don’t blame the other person. Yes, they cheated on you. No, it wasn’t your fault. But you need to move past it, because playing the blame game will only delay the kind of emotional healing that needs to take place. You need to, as best you can, put it all behind you.

Once you’ve found out why and began work on it, you need to reestablish the trust in the marriage. “Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships” – Stephen R. Covey

Infidelity destroys trust, and it’s going to be difficult after the affair to repair what was been broken. You need to work on rebuilding the trust. Don’t expect it to happen right away, and don’t expect it to be easy.

Infidelity is terrible, but every relationship can be repaired. If you can follow these steps, you can save your marriage. You just need to be willing to find the advice and the help you need to repair your relationship.

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One of the most pressing needs that a woman can have is knowing How You Can Fix a Marriage After an Affair. Confused, disturbed and at a loss to know what to do next, it can help to receive advice from one who’s been there – and gotten past it. Check out this article and be sure to add your advice so we can all appreciate your comments:

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Can You Fix a Marriage After an Emotional Affair? – What You Don’t Know Could Surely Hurt You!

By Jason T. Nelson

So you caught your partner having an emotional affair… what happens next?

You’re probably very confused with the discovery that your spouse has been cheating behind your back, even if only in an emotional affair… it still hurts.

The pain, the disappointment, is seemingly impossible to bear. Again, the question is, what do you do? And more importantly, how do you cope?

What It Feels Like to Find Out Your Spouse Is Having an Emotional Affair

Everything may seem all wrong after you discover your partner cheating on you. Believe me. I know it’s hard because I have once been through, or the victim of an emotional affair as well.

The relationship that my wife got involved in was an emotional one, which, in my book, is just as bad in some ways as if it had been a physical one. I was torn apart by the revelation that the woman I love most had done something to betray me. I didn’t know at that time how to fix our marriage or if we could ever go back to the way we once were.

I thought about things thoroughly and finally, I came to the conclusion that my love for my wife and the commitment that I put into our marriage was something that outweighed my discovery of her emotional affair. That was when I decided to accept and forgive at the same time.

It was really difficult on my part to accept the fact that I was cheated on. Every so often, the feelings of hurt and betrayal would surface and would engulf me in misery. I tried to overcome all of these by being more objective.

How I Began to Save My Marriage

I tried to understand what had happened in our marriage to push my wife to do such a thing. I read books and online materials about coping after you’ve caught your spouse having an emotional affair.

I tried to see clearly and not to screw up my focus with my personal feelings of hurt and helplessness. As I dug deeper into the issue, I started to realize that my wife was not the only one at fault. In fact, I think I had an important role that led her to do such a thing. I was the one who drove her away by ignoring many of her needs.

This realization helped me to have a more in-depth understanding of my relationship with my wife and how I should fix it. I really wanted to go back to how we had been, so I decided to push the past behind us. There was irrevocable damage in our relationship but should it drive us apart? I didn’t want it to, so I made an effort to forget and to move on.

Why Saving a Marriage After an Emotional Affair Isn’t Easy

Biting the bullet and moving on may sound easy, but I’m telling you, it’s not. There were even many times when I wanted to seek revenge by cheating on her as well by finding my own person to have an emotional affair with.

Other times, the feelings of pain would creep back in and it felt as if I really hated her for hurting me.

But all of that is behind us now for the most part. I have changed for the better and so has she. We have a deeper relationship now and our marriage has become stronger because of what we were able to overcome as a couple. Indeed, there is hope after an emotional affair.

But how do you really come back from something like an emotional affair? If you want the source that I used that made me truly understand marriage, and my wife, and let me trust and love my wife again, without giving up who I was and my pride then click here now.

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