I Just Cheated On My Wife. What Should I Do Now? Do I Tell Her?

I sometimes hear from panicked husbands who have just cheated on their wives. They often didn’t intend for this to happen and are reeling as to what to do next. Many ask me what they should do immediately following the cheating. I often hear comments like: “I just cheated on my wife. This is a disaster. I love my wife and am committed to my marriage and I have no idea what I was thinking or how I could be so stupid. What do I do now? How do I make this right so that it’s not going to absolutely destroy my marriage or my wife?”

And sometimes, I hear from the wives who have just found out that their husbands have cheated. They often ask me what their husbands can do to make things right again. An example is a comment like: “I just found out my husband cheated once. I am devastated and I don’t know where we go from here. He keeps asking me what he can do to help me get over this, but I have no idea what to tell him. I’m not sure that there’s anything that he could do to make me feel any better.” So, in the following article, I’m going to offer some suggestions as to what a husband should do after he cheats in order to begin  the process of healing after infidelity.

Immediately Remove Yourself From The Situation And The Other Woman. Do Not Give Yourself The Chance To Cheat Again: I do believe that there are some men who never intended to cheat on their wives. And once it happens, they’re lost because they truly didn’t see it coming and were completely unprepared. Sometimes when they tell you that “it just happened,” they aren’t completely being dishonest, although a lack of intent doesn’t mean innocence either.

That’s why it’s so important that the husband remove himself from the other person and any circumstances that contributed to the cheating. It’s not at all uncommon for me to hear from men who vow never to cheat again, but who later end up doing just that because, once again, they found themselves in situation that they did not plan but could not resist. I’ve even had men tell me that they went to break things off with (or make things clear to) the other woman only to end up cheating with her once again.

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My suggestion is to cut off all communication. And if you just have to communicate with her to make your intentions clear, then do not do this in person where there’s potential for more cheating or temptation. If you work with or regularly see this person, then you will need to make some changes. You do not want to put yourself in a situation where you have continued contact. This is not good for you, for her, for your marriage, or for your wife.

Figure Out What Really Went Wrong And Truly Fix It: Even though you might 100% believe that you had no intentions of cheating, the fact is that, for whatever reason, you did. In my opinion, people truly don’t act without reason or motivation. There had to have been something that contributed to your impulsive actions. It’s pretty easy to place the blame on the marriage, your wife, or even the other woman. But you are often better off looking within yourself.

Because no matter what risk factors were present, you did have a choice. Why did you make the choice that you did? Look at issues like poor impulse control, a lack of self esteem, any tendencies for reckless behavior or self sabotage, or other pressures or flaws that may have contributed to your cheating. It’s important to be brutally honest with yourself and to get help if you need it. Because it’s not fair (or realistic) to ask your wife to forgive you or to give your marriage another chance when you can’t completely assure you that you will never cheat again. You must remove any risk factors so that you are both secure in the future.

Decide If You’re Going To Tell Your Wife About Your Cheating: Whether to admit to the cheating is one of the most common questions that I’m asked by husbands. Many wonder if they are better off just admitting everything or if it would be better to spare their wife the pain, make any changes on their own, and remain silent. I can not make this decision for you. Only you know your wife (and what your reaction might be,) as well as your comfort level with keeping this from her and the level of guilt that you are grappling with.

You also need to consider how likely she is to find out about the cheating because I can tell you that if she finds out from someone else, this might factor into her future decisions. Many wives will see your keeping the cheating from them as just one more example of your deception. However, on the other side of the coin, once you tell her, you also have to be prepared to deal with the considerable fall out that this admission is going to cause.

Whether You Tell Your Wife About The Cheating Or Not, Have An Improvement Plan That You Fully Intend To Follow: Few people are ever going to buy that cheating can actually be a positive thing. But I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with trying to extract some positive changes from this huge mistake. If you cheat but then never gain any insights into your behavior and never make any positive changes in yourself and your marriage, then this whole process truly was a waste in which only the negative consequences mattered.

But, if you can at least gain some positive insights and make some positive changes that are likely to make things easier and better in the future, then at least some good came out of a very bad decision. If you can use this is a starting point or as the inspiration to become a better husband and a better man, then at least you made every attempt to make the best of your actions and this will hopefully matter to your wife, whether she knows what inspired your actions or not.

I was the cheated on, not the cheater, in my marriage. So, I know exactly how the wife in this scenario might feel. Thankfully, my husband eventually used the cheating as the inspiration to make some drastic and lasting changes that weren’t lost on me. Eventually, our marriage did recover, partly due to these efforts. If it helps, you can read the entire story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/

Lots of readers ask about marriage problems, so check this out. Needless to say, I spend a lot of time searching for articles, news and other useful content that offers advice which aids readers to have more satisfying relationships. Be sure to consider it all. Don’t forget to provide your advice so everyone can read your thoughts:

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Seek Expert Help For Your Marriage Problems

Like the ceremony says when you get married it should be till death do you part, and the reason that most people get married in the first place is because you really love each other. Sure some marriages are for convenience purposes but the union should be a special one and as you know it is blessed by god!

Surely when you do encounter problems like most marriages will then it is definitely worth the effort to seek expert help for your marriage problems? Too many couples end up drifting apart, or the pressures of modern society lead them to cheating, neglect of their partner’s needs, and loss of focus to keep the relationship on a sound footing.

Get expert help for your marriage problems that is available from a variety of sources

You do not have to look very far to find expert help for your marriage problems if you have an internet connection which many people already do have. You can invest in some stunning marriage guides like for example what is considered one of the best written by Max Voigt an expert relationship counselor doctor. This is a unique guide that will avoid you having to pay the high fees from relationship counselors when you need nothing less that expert help for your marriage problems.

His unique technique has helped thousands of couples that have had their marriages on the rocks and it will definitely help you save your relationship

Dr. Max Vogt has years of experience in helping couples and this is a guide that will give you new insight into your relationship and teach you both how to solve any problems that may arise in your marriage. You will know that you need expert help for your marriage problems because you perhaps argue and fight a lot, and you also feel you may be drifting apart.

You know you love each other dearly but it feels that your marriage is headed for disaster. Marriage problems are even worse if you have children; because they will suffer the most from the constant arguments fighting and bad feelings. With the right expert advice and guides with both partners also being prepared to work at renewing the bonds you had when you first got married, then expert help for your marriage problems is possible.

Guides to Compromise in Marriage when you have problems

Soon after tying the knot and taking the big step of getting married, some people may find the beginning stages difficult while adjusting to their partners’ habits and different ways of doing things. Others may find the beginning of the marriage easier if they have been living together and find it more difficult keeping the relationship strong as time goes on.

Relationships are precious and it is sad that partners do not attempt everything possible to cherish their relationships; especially in today’s fast paced modern 21st century society. Whatever the problems you end up facing in your relationship, you will find expert help for your marriage problems guides and tips on in Max Vogt’s excellent marriage guide.

In our society we have become obsessed with love. Our films, our books, our plays and our music are full of stories about love – the joy of finding it and the heartache of losing it. We treat it as a commodity, a transient emotion that comes and goes. We are deliriously happy when we find it but suffer terribly when we lose it again.

A vast majority of romantic relationships start well, with two people falling in love, but then something begins to go wrong. The feelings of love begin to fade and we start seeing our partner’s failings.

They begin to irritate us and act in ways that seem unloving. We then either move into compromise and settle for a relationship with less love and connection or we end the relationship and try to find someone better. Forming a successful romantic relationship is a real challenge, but it ends up this way because of a basic misunderstanding about love.

All our romantic problems stem from a destructive self-belief – that we are personally lacking in love. Deep down we feel empty and incomplete. It feels as if there is something missing in our lives. These feelings of scarcity then create a powerful need for love. That is why we go out into the world to find a romantic partner who will take away the emptiness and make us feel whole again.

Of course our search for somebody to love us is often successful and the sensations of falling in love convince us that our strategy was right. Unfortunately, the ease with which we fall in love can become the biggest trap we face in life, because it seems to confirm that love lies outside us.

The sad truth is that most of us fall in love for the wrong reason. We bring a partner into our lives to fulfill our need for love, and it is this outward focus that creates all our problems. It creates a dependence on our partners – we rely on their presence in our lives, to make us happy. This is a recipe for disaster, as I discovered when my marriage failed. When my wife suddenly left me, all my needs and insecurities were laid bare and it was not a pretty sight. How many of us fall in need rather than fall in love?

I am not saying needs are wrong – to be human is to have all sorts of needs, but the need for love is one of the most destructive. As long as we search outwards for love we will fail to see that we have it within. Our strong need for love usually comes from early experiences in our lives where we felt our needs were not met.

Not only do we resent the people who failed to give us what we wanted (normally or parents), we also feel guilt for having failed in the relationship that would have provided those needs. We get really guilty for having given up on our store of self-love and taken on the belief that we are lacking in love. At the spiritual level we feel guilty for having turned away from our divine essence – that of 100% love and connection.

The problem with being needy in a relationship is that it tries to take from our partner. It assumes that they have the thing we need to make us happy. They may feel scarcity themselves so having to continually meet our needs drives up the feeling that they are losing something. We might end up fighting for who is going to meet the needs of the other person – this is the power struggle stage of relationships.

When we feel our needs have not been met we might get angry, disappointed or moody as a way of punishing the other person. If this carries on we might be hit by depression because we just cannot get rid of the emptiness and deadness that we feel inside. Neediness eventually destroys a relationship or takes away all its joy.

So how do we remove the neediness from a relationship? Well the first thing to do is recognize the times when it is present in us and in our partner. Sometimes we may know we are being needy but at others we can be blind to it. If there is any bad feeling in a relationship, you can be sure that unmet needs are the cause. Try to identify what these needs are. What is not being met for you in the relationship – it will be exactly the same for your partner.

Here is the quick fix: Try to give the need that you feel is missing and it will be returned by your partner. Then start to understand your own needs in a situation. When was the first time in your life when they were not met? What was happening? Who was present?

Try to forgive the people involved and realize that you could have given that missing need if you had been more mature and experienced. Visualize the situation now and give the need to all the people present. Breathe love back into the situation. As you heal your need you will find that your self-esteem grows.

You can do this exercise for all your emotional needs. Typically they lie in layers in the mind so we have to repeat the process for all the layers. Soon you will become an expert at spotting needs and healing them. Every single human problem can be traced back to a feeling of unmet needs and at the deepest level it is a belief that there is a lack of love.

Emotional maturity and intelligence is really the ability to become aware of our needs and then not to play them out on the people around us. If we can’t do this our needs drive the things that we want away and paradoxically as we heal the needs within, the very things that we desire begin to appear in our lives!

Peter Granger is an acclaimed relationship counsellor and a Psychology of Vision Trainer (an organisation that specialises in helping people have happier and more fulfilled relationships. You can find lots more advice and tips about love, romance and relationships on www.iloveyouloveme.com

Relationships are not great all the time, but there are things that you can do to avoid a disaster in yours. If you want to see that person for a long time, then you will have to follow a few tips on what not to do in your next relationship.

1. The Ex Factor

You will not be able to start a new relationship if you are still not over your last one. Ex’s can ruin a really great thing, if you let them. Not to mention you should not be leading anyone on if you still have feelings for an ex. It starts the relationship off rocky, and it will not last.

2. The Big Three Words

Do not rush into saying I love you. Even if you feel it right away, it does not mean that you are ready to say it. You will probably scare them off, even if they feel the same way. Let the relationship blossom naturally. You will find the right time to say it, and it will be special. First, you need to keep them around long enough to say it.

3. Avoid Jealous Situations

We are all jealous at times. If it not over your bosses new car, then it is the fact that your boyfriend has an eye for blonds. It may make you really mad, but try to stay calm. Jealousy is something that you must work on. A little later in the relationship you can tell him it bothers you, but hey we are all human. It is not like he is asking for her number or anything. It shows you have confidence in yourself.

4. Never Cheat

This will surely end the relationship in its tracks. There are no excuses that can get you out of this one. If you are seriously trying to end a relationship then this will work, but avoid it if you want to pursue things.

5. Avoid Dwelling

By this I mean you cannot dwell on the past, or make assumptions about the future. Live in the present day, and do not take them for granted. If you are too worried about what might happen, or blame them for what has, you will never have the successful relationship that you are looking for in life. Live everyday like it is your last together; this will make you truly appreciate each other.

6. Friends Do Not Let Friends Run Relationships

Yes of course they are your friends, but that does not mean they have a say in what happens between you and your partner. Do not talk badly about their friends and hopefully they will have the same respect for you. You have to be careful not to lose your relationship with your friends as well. Relationships are time consumers, but your friends should always be able to rely on you.

7. The Change Issue

Never try to change who your partner is. That is why you fell in love with them, so why would you want to change them. It is not your responsibility to change them. If they do need to change, they have to do it on their own, so do not even try.

8. The Communication Key

Communication is the key to the success of any relationship. You must be prepared to tell them what is on your mind, and expect just that in return. If you do not, you will slowly notice the relationship start to deteriorate. Many people think communication is not a necessity, but it surely is if you want the relationship to last.

9. The Blame Game

Avoid blaming each other for problems that exist in your relationship. Really it is both of your problems, because you are a couple. You should be there for each other though the hard times, not constantly pointing fingers at each other. Any problems you have should be faced together. Why would you be together if you treat aspects of your life as a single person.

10. Do Not Feel It Anymore

Do not worry, this happens to a lot of people. However, you cannot lead them on any longer, or make them think that you are still in love. Sometimes when you are together, and you are strong in the beginning, then you will notice that the love will fade. Now of course do not think just because you are having a hard time, it does not mean that you are not in love anymore. Make sure your feelings are completely gone, before you make any rash decisions.

So there you have it. These 10 mistakes will leave your relationship empty, and eventually the relationship will end as a result. If you notice you are doing a few of these things, then try to change your behavior before it is too late.

M Farmer enjoys writing about online dating. Find more information about 100% free dating here.

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