by Pikaluk

The Two Main Types Of Control In A Marriage

There are two main types of controlling behavior in a marriage relationship. There is aggressive control, which is outward and overt and then there is passive control which is more covert and hidden.

Let’s tackle the aggressive, active control first. What are the typical ways someone can actively try to control one’s spouse?

It can be either spouse that tries to control their spouse. The root cause underneath the control is fear and insecurity. The controlling person believes that if they can control others their world will be more ok. Unfortunately it does not work out that way. The net result is distance, distrust and killing feelings of love.

When Michael and Susan came into our office, Susan presented as a meek and mild mannered woman. She said that Michael was a bully and that she was afraid of him. We spent some time with Michael individually as well, and he did not have much to say about himself or Susan. He was pretty shut down. When we worked with them as a couple we saw the dynamic between the two of them in action. Michael was obviously walking on egg shells, trying not to upset Susan. He was very careful to not say anything that would upset her.

Soon Susan’s façade as the meek and mild mannered spouse crumbled away as she showed her true colors by using anger to control Michael.

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We work with a lot of couples in our Marriage Counseling practice where one spouse uses anger in an attempt to control the other. This is not the main problem in their recovery. The main problem is when the angry spouse does not own that they have an anger problem. When we gently confronted Susan about her Anger problem she became highly defensive and blamed her anger on Michael’s behavior. According to Susan, she was merely reacting to Michael and was not taking responsibility for her choice to become angry.

Passive anger commonly referred to as “passive aggressive” behavior can be just as destructive as overt anger.

Michael knew that every time he would withdraw in a discussion it would drive Susan up the wall. He knew that not following through on commitments infuriated her. He knew that breaking promises pushed Susan’s hottest button. Most passive aggressive behavior is intentional, although a passive aggressive person can really come across as the “nice guy”.

The more passive Michael would be, the more aggressive Susan would become. It was a lose-lose situation. How can this cycle of controlling behavior be broken? Since you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge the first step is getting both spouse to see and acknowledge their behaviors. Although it is the truth that set’s us free, it is the truth about ourselves not the truth in general.

After Susan and Michael each saw their own behaviors in this light, they were ready for the next step.

The next step was for each of them to come up with baby steps that would eliminate their individual controlling behaviors.

Susan set a goal to give herself a timeout when she first started feeling angry. She also started jogging which helped her release a lot of the stress in her life.

Michael started journaling his feelings. This was a safe way for Michael to start feeling his feelings and expressing his feelings. He shared a lot of his journal with Susan. Michael learned how to confront Susan when she tried to control him with her anger by speaking up and saying “I don’t deserve to be spoken to this way”.

There are many steps that couples can take in learning how to stop trying to control each other. We have shown just a couple ideas about how to stop the unhealthy pattern and bring the two of you closer.

If you need more help, we recommend getting into effective Marriage Counseling which can help you regain the closeness you once had.

If you are interested in finding out more about our Marriage Counseling practice, you can find us on the web at www.MarriageRescue.org

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by See-ming Lee 李思明 SML

Marriage Counseling – How to be the Spiritual Leader in your home

In Christian homes when the husband does not assume his Spiritual Leader role a vacuum forms and often the wife is forced into being the leader. This is uncomfortable for the wife since God did not give her that responsibility. It can create a great deal of resentment in both the wife and also the husband who can interpret this as “control”.

When the wife is forced into filling this role it can often lead to being the leader in many other ways. Now there is real danger of inappropriate balance of control in the home.

In our Marriage Counseling practice we see this situation often. We are presented with couples that are not filling the roles that they were designed to fill. When we speak with the wife who is perceived as controlling by her husband, she often tells us that she would give anything to “get off the throne” and follow her husband, but he just won’t lead.

What can she do? What can he do? The first step is to understand who God has called us to be. God has called the husband to be the “servant leader” in the home, even going so far as to lay down his life for his wife and family as Christ laid down His life for the Church. We see many husbands who would step in front of a bus for their wives but neglect to protect their wives in the day to day business of life.

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There may be a number of reasons why he is not “stepping up to the plate” as leader. Oftentimes we see passive men marry more outgoing and active women. The man’s passivity becomes a serious problem in these relationships. He stays in his comfort zone, not realizing or caring what this is doing to the relationship. In this case, it is important for the wife to step aside and not lead; even if things fall through the cracks. The husband cannot fill a role that is already filled. He cannot lead if she is leading. It may seem very scary, but it is absolutely necessary to let him fill the role.

It may also be that she has always felt like she is the one who should be in control, thinking her husband as incapable of leading. It is particularly important for her to turn over the reins to her husband.

Sometimes it has nothing at all to do with the wife. Some men are just so passive that it would never dawn on them to be the leader. In this case it may require counseling from your Pastor or Marriage Counseling from a Christian Marriage Counselor.

So, what should the husband do? After realizing and understanding that this is his God given role, he will need to confront the fear of operating in the unknown. His job is to make sure that he understands who is in Christ. There are many good books written on this subject. God gives us the Grace to do what He calls us to do, so the husband is able to lead.

There are practical things that a Spiritual Leader does. He makes sure that he has his own personal time with God on a daily basis. That he “talks” with God on a regular basis. This includes more than just speaking to God (what we normally call praying) but listening as well. He himself needs to be strengthened before he can successfully lead others.

He is responsible for making sure he and his wife spend joint time with God. This can include Bible Study, prayer, attending a Church that fulfills both of them and making sure the whole family is included if there are children in the home.

He is also responsible for protecting the home from any outside bad influences or spiritual attacks.

He can also see that he and his wife become active in a small group at their Church. This will help surround the couple with fellow believers who are like minded and are there for each other.

This may seem like a big job, but God never gives us a job too big for us to handle.

We pray that your marriage fulfills God’s calling and that both you and your Spouse search out what God has in store for you. If you both are close to God, you will be close to each other.

Question by Alexandra: Does a jealous man use anger towards his woman in order to get and control her attention?
I have just read this and wonder what are other peoples’ thoughts:

The jealous man uses anger towards his partner in order to get and control her attention. Anger also works as a punishment with the result of inflicting emotional pain on the woman. By punishing the woman with anger the woman may change her behavior in order to avoid emotional punishment in the future.

Best answer:

Answer by Melba W
yes

Add your own answer in the comments!

Question by shannondewer: My husband and I have a really loud bed and we think the neighbors at our duplex are going to start complaing?
Lets just say we get really wild and I need a way to control how loud the bed is. Our bed is only a couple years old. My husband said maybe we need a new bed but my parents have had the same bed for 20 years and theirs doesnt make any noise. Please Help!!

Best answer:

Answer by Chester the Molester
You can try oiling the joints of the bed to reduce friction.

What do you think? Answer below!

Many people want more info about controlled relationships, so have a look at this. As you might expect, much of my time is spent locating suitable graphics, videos and other beneficial material that provides advice which assists people to have more rewarding relationships. Be sure to look closely at it all. Don’t forget to add your advice so we can all appreciate your comments:

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How to Recognize You are in a Controlled Love Relationship

Freedom is something that we all need and desire. Its a no wonder that almost all the constitutions in the world have a provision for it. No one should control a relationship and no one should allow someone to control their relationship.

This is because when you allow someone to control what you do, it won’t be long before you start seeking approval of everything you do. It does not necessarily mean you should not seek approval of your partner, you should. But if your partner keeps telling you what you can do and what you cannot you are in a Controlled love Relationship.

Most of the time people who control their partners have a lot of insecurities to deal with. If your partner is doing any of these mentioned things you should know you are in a Controlled love Relationship.

A Controlled love Relationship is one where one mate has a say in everything you do.

They control who you talk to. Most of the time they will dictate to you the friends you should talk to and the ones you should not. If you dared to go against your partners wish, he or she might become very violent. In some extreme cases a controlling partner might even ask you not to talk to members of your family.

Your partner could give you and excuse that the members of your family do not like him or her much. This however should not be a reason enough for you not to talk to anyone.

A Controlled love Relationship is one where you have a specific time to reach home. If you reach a minute later you will have to account for the late time. Calling to tell your partner you will be late will not help much. Some people in Controlled love Relationships might think their partners love them.

This is because the controlling partners wants to spend time with them. People who love you will give you a chance to be yourself, to be late when you can not help it and to let you stay by yourself sometimes. Every one needs an alone time sometimes.

A Controlled love Relationship is one where one partner dictates to the other where they can go and where they cannot go. Sometimes it goes to an extent of barring you from going to a place of worship. They are scared you might meet with someone and you might end up loving that person more than you love them.

If you go there and they find out, there will be trouble waiting for you when you get back. They will do anything in their power including instilling fear in you so that you never go against their wishes. Do not stay in a Controlled love Relationship, you will only get out a wounded person. Go get help and if possible get help for your controlled partner.

Convince your partner to go see a psychiatrist and have a wonderful relationship free from all controlling factors. You do not want to loose your sanity while in a Controlled love Relationship.

Many people want more info about relationship problems, so have a look at this. Needless to say, I spend a lot of time searching for graphics, articles and other beneficial material that gives advice which assists people to have more empowering relationships. Be sure to consider it all. Don’t forget to provide your thoughts so everyone can be aware of your advice:

Relationship Advice for Women

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Relationship Problems of Any Magnitude Resolved at Once With One Effective Strategy

Relationship problems can be unsettling for many couples, irrespective of their magnitude. It is worthwhile that couples talk about these problems as soon as they occur. This helps people resolve problems at an earlier phase.

However, this should be done sensitively or else the situation could get out of control. A Wedding is an important event in every individual’s life. Problems related to it may crop up soon after marriage or much later. If relationship problems are not dealt with over time, they may lead to split-up. When marriage problems take place, couples are left with similar feelings of sorrow, disappointment and disenchantment.

It is essential for couples to make out and accept a problem early on. In most cases, couples may refute the existence of any kind of problem. This puts off the imperative step of dealing with a problem at its origin. Afterward, insignificant squabbling and arguments conclude in bigger problems, making it very complicated to deal with several issues all right away. Relationship problems are universal and should be resolved one at a time to ensure long-standing harmony.

It is important to note that all relationship problems can’t be solved. Couples need to have love, belief, mutual understanding, patience and admiration for each other and truthfully want the problem to be solved. Some people allow their marriage problems to grow leading to total incongruity and ultimately break up between the couple.

The Relationship Saver authored by Radomir Samardzic is just 14 pages long. It takes most people only 20 minutes to read. So why did he write such a brief relationship repair manual and more significantly, how can something so diminutive possibly help you?

As you know, there are hundreds of relationship gurus out there and hundreds of books promising to restore your relationship. Most of them contain chapters with titles like “99 different ways to save your relationship.” But if just one of them actually worked, what need is there for the other 98?

That’s where The Relationship Saver stands alone. It doesn’t bombard you with a bunch of ideas that might help. It cuts away all the vague things and concentrates on one strategy based on proven principles. Follow the simple, results-based strategy inside and you can repair your relationship problems, no matter how dire the situation. Go to RelationshipSaver.org to download the e-book at a reasonable price and get the solution of all your problems quickly and easily.

The majority of people who seek a romantic relationship with another person desire a mutually satisfying, respectful, and fulfilling partnership. Unfortunately, some relationships contain an emotionally abusive dynamic that can cause great harm to the abused partner over time, and may yet go undetected.

Because it does not leave obvious physical scars, emotional abuse can be difficult to identify in some cases. If you find yourself feeling unworthy, incapable, or questioning reality when you are around your partner this merits a closer look at what is going on in the relationship. Here are 5 signals that your relationship is emotionally abusive:

1. You are the subject of criticism on a regular basis – how you do things, who you are, and even your mental stability are called into question. You may be called names or more subtly given “suggestions” on how to do things.

2. Your partner discourages or prohibits you from seeing other people who are important to you. This could mean family members or friends, anyone that takes you away from the control of your partner or who could challenge the way you are being treated. Your partner may also discourage you from pursuing work opportunities or education, in order to keep you under control and more dependent.

3. When you get home at the end of the day, you feel compelled by your partner to report your day’s activities. Once you’ve done that, you field criticism and feel the need to justify and defend your choices. You might get to the point where you choose activities that you know your partner will approve of, just to avoid the confrontation.

4. When it comes to sex, it becomes more a way to control you than to express love between the two of you.

5. You have a general sense of “walking on eggshells” in the relationship. Occasionally you may be on the receiving end of a kind or generous act, but it is a way to manipulate you back into the relationship. Once you are drawn back in, you find that the emotional abuse cycle begins again.

By the way, what is holding you back from making the best choices to achieve the life you deserve?

For a free copy of my ebook, “Strategies For Escaping Emotional Abuse”, click here: http://www.stoptoxicrelationships.com/gifts-strategiesforescapingemotionalabuse.html Shannon Cook is a personal coach and resource guide who has written a number of informative articles and ebooks on the topic of toxic relationships and “difficult” divorces, including the physical, emotional, practical and relationship components.

My hair is messy and when you look at me you might think I look rather irresponsible. You can categorize me as many different personality types, but for the most part people stick me in either the artistic category or the rebellious bad boy category. That means that when they shove me into such a category they are making judgments about me that aren’t true.

I am not irresponsible. In fact, I am much more responsible than most people I know. I am rebellious with an artistic nature but I am not in any way shape or form a “bad boy.” Women find me very attentive, both in and out of bed. What’s my point? That women are going to judge you and they are going to be wrong.

Women (just as often as men) make judgments based on appearance and what we do for a living more often than how we conduct ourselves until they reach a particular level of intimacy with us.

They make assumptions about how well we might please them in the kitchen as well as in the bedroom and sometimes they are spot on and others times they are about as far from the horse’s rear end as they are making of themselves. It happens and we can’t control it. What we can do, however, is refuse to play into their judgments and maintain our personalities despite their obvious disappointment.

I met a woman once who assumed (based on my looks) that I would not be able to please her. She called me up about a month later and asked if my invitation was still open to take her out? It turns out that she knew a woman that I had been very intimate with and she had a conversation with her about me and realized she had made a mistake. When I found this out, I stopped seeing her not because she made a judgment, but because she lied about her reasons for wanting to see me again as well as those for not wanting to date me in the first place.

We live in a world filled with judgment and we each have to decide exactly how much of it we can allow into our lives. In some cases, allowing any into our lives is hurtful but unavoidable. One of my friends is forever having to explain that he is not gay because he is strikingly thin and has shaggy hair.

When women judge you by your appearance or your job, you have to be prepared to know how you want to respond. You can either call them on it, tell them that they are wrong, or you can change your behavior to match their assumptions. Doing the latter turns you into a liar. You can get plenty of women without lying and those women are going to be a way better experience for you. Don’t let judgment based on you categorical stereotype determine how you are going to act. You are not made up of a stereotype. You are made up of content. How you choose to display that content is a personal choice.

You can dress yourself up any way you want to. You can walk out of your house every single day acting like you are the player of the century or you can go for that entire metro-sexual look if it pleases you. You can cover up your insecurities with loud and outrageous vehicles and you can prep it up and hike and sail with the rich boys that you never were. But at the end of the day, at the end of your experience, when you strip down naked, you are still who you are and no amount of trendy dress is going to change that.

I believe we present to the world what we want them to see. I believe that if we want women to think we are fast and furious even though we haven’t gotten laid in two years that we will put it out there like that. That’s fine as long as we know that when people are making assumptions that are a natural leap from what we are presenting that we really can’t get bent out of shape about it.

Your image is part of who you are but it doesn’t make you who you are. You can’t become a better person by choosing a better image. And if you have no image at all, you aren’t presenting anything about yourself to the world which is a whole other issue.

Images and stereotypes are part of our world. It can be a whole lot of fun to catch someone making an assumption about us and being able to show them something otherwise. If you keep running into the same judgment, check in and try to find how you are presenting that image to the world if it bothers you. If it doesn’t then keep on moving. Because there is definitely a woman out there who is loving the image but who is into the naked version way more.

The return is also true. We make judgments about women all the time. A few times I passed over a woman initially because I really didn’t think she was going to be all that sexually interesting. I loved finding out exactly how wrong I was and exactly how her image didn’t hold her back one bit.

If you have found my article interesting, I have come across a site which is at the moment giving away a massive free Book titled Secrets To Dating Beautiful Women. I have personally found this one of the best books on the subject of Dating and Relationships and I highly recommend you read it. It’s a must read. Download it from; www.secrets2datingsuccess.com

Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

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Love and Harmony