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by MeganMorris

Divorce: An Emotional Rollercoaster

-By Re-marriage.com Matrimonials

Divorce is never a pleasant experience. The emotions involved before, during and after divorce can be painful, confusing, complex and sometimes frightening. Picking up the threads and moving on may seem like the most difficult thing to do and requires considerable effort and adjustment. We spoken to people who have had to grapple with divorce induced trauma – people who have emerged triumphant after the ordeal and are now leading more productive, fulfilling lives

Actress Sarha married Ranvir Singh, at the peak of her film career and happily threw it all away just to be the quintessential Indian wife. When things began spiraling out of control, she opted for a divorce after ten years of marriage. The decision left her with custody of her young son but minus a steady source of income and a roof over her head. She had to start from scratch.

“Those who have been through the ordeal know that a divorce is the hardest, most traumatic period of one’s life. And it doesn’t just involve the two of you but your respective families as well, including the children, who are affected most. The grief & pain is similar to that experienced when someone close to you dies. But in this case, the person concerned is still alive and getting on with his own life – perhaps in the same neighborhood.”

She recalls one of the most frustratingly awkward situations, “Whenever I would go to a friend’s house and there were children there with both their parents and there I was standing all alone with my child. It was at times like these that all that hurt and anger came rushing back. I felt, ‘How could he do this to us?’ It’s all his fault!”

“Today, me and Ranvir are the best of friends. If I have something to share, I call him up. The three of us go out for movies or dinner together or with common friends. But to reach this comfort level, I’ve had to work on my ego issues and insecurities, as immediately after the divorce, there was a lot of resentment and anger.” The ex didn’t do much to help either, “The day after the divorce was legalized, Ranvir threw his friends a so-called ‘freedom party’ to celebrate his new-found freedom from the wife. This was probably done to spite me and yes it hurt. I have managed to let go and moved on, but my mother still cannot bring herself to forgive my ex-husband. It is after all natural for a parent to hold a grudge against someone who has hurt their offspring and ruined his/her life.”

While her mother and sister Tina stood by her through it all, Sarha claims her strongest ally was herself. “A divorce leaves you at your most vulnerable, but you have to be strong if you have to pull through that phase. Friends will console you and hold your hand, but can they share your pain? Or your loneliness? Moreover most married women are scared of a divorced woman. They may be your closest friends, but once you’re single again they think of you as a threat; someone out to snare their man for herself in order to fill the void.”

Looking back in retrospect Sarha says, “I had tried really hard to make it work. But Ranvir though jobless refused to give up on his gambling and insisted on keeping the wrong kind of company. These were things that infuriated me and lead to heated arguments. The fights when looked at individually weren’t really all that important, but as they got more frequent, the bad times began outweighing the good and I decided enough was enough. I wish his parents had intervened at that stage. Or perhaps had insisted that he get his act together, but they didn’t. It was more convenient to blame the wife and take his side. After we divorced, Ranvir’s mother tried to get me to come back. But it was too late.”

Sarha admits that like 99 per cent of divorced mothers she too wanted to lash out at her ex-husband in the most obvious way – by denying him visitation rights. “If the father is fond of his child, the best way to hurt him is to separate him from his child. But this is detrimental to the growth of the child who ends up insecure and resentful of the fact that he never got an opportunity to know his/her father. My parents too were divorced and I never got to know my father. I don’t blame my mother for not keeping in touch with my him; I’m sure she had her reasons. But those feelings of remorse did surface at times when I saw my classmates in school with both their parents,” she says.

“I wanted my son to feel complete and loved and not grow into an insecure, manipulative child who slyly pits one parent against the other to get his way. Hence I put in a determined attempt to bridge the gap caused by our divorce.” And in doing so Sarha has also succeeded in moving on with her life, “I am on friendly terms with Ranvir and his present girlfriend. I am into film production and other business”. Prod on about the chances of a second marriage and she reveals, “Yes, there is another man in my life, but marriage isn’t on the cards. I’m not yet ready to step into another relationship.” A case of once bitten, twice shy.

Model Saurab talks candidly about his failed marriage with model/actress Geeta, “Sure I made many mistakes; I’m only human. I’m not a saint. And I don’t believe in blinding myself from the truth. Most people don’t realize or refuse to accept their mistakes. Their pride, ego, etc. prevent them from coming to terms with reality. And it’s much easier to hold your ex responsible for the failure of your relationship by saying, ‘Oh it was all her/his fault!’ So what if the marriage didn’t work out. Accept your mistakes and move on.”

Saurab and Geeta have been separated for five months and their divorce is yet to come through, but the soon-to-be ex-husband matter-of-factly states that he has moved on. “Basically, it all boils down to the individual’s state of mind. Like most other things divorce cannot be labeled ‘good’ or ‘bad’. What society at large refers to as a ‘bad’ thing may just have some good come out of it.” He elaborates, “Divorce is simply a clash of two minds. Sure, you should try to iron out differences through marital counseling, etc. But if the problems are irreconcilable it is better to let go and part ways. Time is the best healer.” The model turned businessman is today immersed in his work and is bares all about his failed marriage, but Geeta on the other hand feels she still isn’t comfortable discussing the relationship.

The outcome of a divorce is often two embittered individuals who simply can’t stand the sight of each other. But this needn’t always be the case. Couples who have split after a brief marriage find it easier to overcome the pain and the hurt and remain friends or at least maintain a cordial relationship. As Gautam so succinctly puts it, “Life is too short to harbor ill-feelings.”

But the anger and hurt cannot be suppressed either and needs to be redirected to serve a constructive purpose. Sameer turned television actress Mahima says she used the anger to propel her to move on with her life. “The divorce took around a year and a half to come through and this was the toughest phase. I found myself battling over petty material possessions and property.” She continues, “It was all very upsetting. There was this constant bickering, ‘why should you have this, I bought it’. Not because I really wanted it but just to get back at him. I even used to have these nightmares of spotting him with a new wife. When he did eventually get married, I was surprisingly okay with it.”

She says, “After a month or two, I would often just burst out crying. It was like as if something had died and there was this mourning process I had to go through, where I found it difficult to even eat.” But it was only a matter of time before the mourning period came to an end and she found a new purpose in life, a raison d’etre. “I fell in love with ISKON – Hare Krishna Land. The experience was so divine. I now found the time to pursue my love for philosophy which was something I wanted to do since the age of 19.” Mahima is also grateful for the support of the parents who though traditional in their views stood by her through her divorce. “I come from a family where we believe marriage is for keeps. Divorce was not a done thing. Yet my parents have been so gracious and dignified. There was none of that ‘we told you so’ nor do they discus my marriage with others.”

Sheepishly the actress admits to even going through a phase when she was so emotionally vulnerable and attracted to anyone and everyone. “I would look at an Restaurent waiter and tell my friend ‘oh he’s so cute and so nice’.” Then suddenly on a serious note she adds, “I always knew Dilip and myself were not right for each other. We were just so different. He is so cool and chilled out and I am over hyper and very restless. I would constantly break up with him, but the attachment and attraction was so strong that after two days I’d go back to him. I glad we did get married else I would always have wondered what life would him would have been like. Now I know. While he was a very loving and attentive husband, there was no respect in the relationship – it was very immature.”

Like her ex-husband Mahima says men tend to move on quicker than women. If not emotionally at least physically. But Sameer begs to differ, “I can’t speak for all men, but I haven’t hastily jumped into another relationship. For me it has always been career first and that’s what I’m focusing on right now. I’m also very spiritual and that has helped keep me on track.”

Mahima advises, “You need to put your emotions on the back burner. If you feel you are better off without a particular person, stick by your decision. Be detached and very focused on what you want. Even if you are dating or married, spend time with your family and friends, go out with them on holidays, traveling or just shopping. There’s more to life than just being in a relationship. You don’t have to be together 24/7. By all means love to the fullest, but down let your partner own you.

Sarha too seconds this view. “While it is important to give your partner his space, it is also equally essential to give yourself space.” Both women agree that is vital for a wife to be financially independent for their men to respect them. “If you can’t work outside the home because of the kids, work from the home itself. Take up tailoring or catering, something you are good at. When your man knows you have other options, you aren’t helpless and dependent he will think twice before taking you for granted or straying,” says Sarha.

But not all divorce related problems come with a simple solution. Take for example the case of Mahesh, an architect. He separated from his wife over four years ago, leaving behind an eight -year-old daughter in her custody. A year after their separation he moved in with Aditi, a public relations consultant and they have been living together ever since. The ride was a bumpy one and the arrival of their son only made matters worse.

Mahesh confesses that the divorce was painful and further complicated his life. “I love my daughter very much and would like to spend more time with her. In fact, I would like to be a good father to both my children. Though the differences between me and my ex-wife were irreconcilable, I can’t help but feel like I have abandoned them and that there are times when they need me.”

Aditii too admits that the weekly custody visits leave her feeling insecure and threatened. “The thought that three of them are spending time together as a family is very disconcerting. I guess my insecurities stem from the fact that the two of us still haven’t married. Every time he goes to see Marina (his daughter), I am constantly plagued by doubts, ‘What if they patch up? What happens to me and my son? Sure I’m doing well and I can take care of the both of us. But doesn’t my son deserve a father? After Mahesh had split with his ex he was a shattered man. I helped him piece his life back together and now they seem to be getting along fine.” Obviously Mahesh and Aditi raise questions that seem impossible to answer and doubts difficult to quell. The two have issues that can be only done away with proper counseling and therapy sessions.

Whatever your experience of divorce may be, it is worth remembering that there is life after divorce. And it can be a blessing in disguise for it isn’t often that we get a chance to break clean and start over. As Sameer says, “Its all about progression, so don’t get disheartened.”

Some of the names have been changed on request.

Start a New Life and find a compatible match for yourself at www.re-marriage.com The No.1 Re-marriage Matrimonials Services Provider. For divorcees, widows, widowers, separated and late marriages.

Question by lookingforanswers: What relationship factors or considerations might be influencing her problems?
Jennifer is a 29-year-old administrative assistant married to Antonio, an Italian engineer, whom Jennifer met four years earlier while on a business trip for her marketing company. The couple now lives in Nebraska, where Antonio works for the county’s transportation department and Jennifer commutes an hour each way to her marketing office. They have been trying to start a family for over a year. Eight months ago, Jennifer miscarried in her second month of pregnancy. Antonio’s parents love Jennifer and often ask her if she is expecting again, hoping to encourage her to focus on her next baby. Jennifer’s mother passed away two years ago and her father’s health is rapidly deteriorating. Jennifer faces the probability of placing her father in a skilled nursing care facility within the next few months, against his wishes.

At work, Jennifer runs a tight ship. She is organized and prepares lists to assure that everything is done according to schedule. Everyone counts on Jennifer and she takes pride in never letting people down.

Jennifer has visited her physician numerous times in the last six months, complaining of headaches, backaches, and indigestion. Jennifer insists that she is happy and is not feeling stressed, yet she finds herself making more mistakes at work, unable to keep up with housework, and feeling tired and overwhelmed; she has begun to question her effectiveness as an employee, wife, daughter, and potential mother. Her pains seem to be increasing, but her doctor cannot find a physical cause for her discomfort.

What relationship factors or considerations might be influencing Jennifer’s problems?

Best answer:

Answer by nickipettis
-her in-laws often asking if she is expecting again
-her father’s health
-her mother’s recent death
-her perfectionism at work
-her statement that she feels tires and overwhelmed

She is a perfectionist whose plate is already MORE than full. Part of her knows that a pregnancy at this time would mean that perfectionism was totally impossibly. she would have to focus on the child, not work so hard, not try to be a perfectionist. she may say she is happy, but she is worried, stressed, and does not think this is the right time for a child.

Give your answer to this question below!

by Samuel Mann

Question by Abbey: What is the molar relationship between ascorbic acid and iodine solution?
Trying to find out the molar relationship between iodine (dissolved in potassium iodide) and ascorbic acid (AKA vitamin C).

My initial practical gave me a relationship of 1:1 but I get the feeling this is wrong.

Best answer:

Answer by sirknightbyron
there is a one to one mole ratio between ascorbic acid and iodine

///
ascorbic acid/iodine reduces arsonic acids

Give your answer to this question below!

Question by : How to present the relationship between coloniser and colonized in 3 novels?
I have to write an essay on the relationship between the coloniser and colonized in 3 novels, i don’t know how to head up each theme or section.

For example could i use language as a basis for discussion? How the language each author uses depicts a relationship between the two?

Please help with some theme areas for discussion to form the basis of my argument!

Thank you!

Best answer:

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

by Dr. Dar

Question by : What is the relationship between measured force and hanging mass?
If you have a weight hanging and you measure the force, what will be the relationship between the mass/weight of the object and the force that is measured? Adding any kind of mathematics involved in this relationship would be appreciated. Thanks!
Thanks Peter!

Best answer:

Answer by Peter
I’m assuming that the force you’re referring to is the gravitational force pulling the mass down. Gravitational force is equal to the mass of the hanging object times “g”, or the gravitational constant, which on earth is generally 9.8 meters per second per second, or 32 feet per second per second. This is often represented by the equation F = mg. Mass and weight are different; mass is how much matter is in the object, whereas weight is equal to the gravitational force.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

Question by brownlaticia: How would you define cheating in a relationship?
What would you define cheating as? Would it be physical/intimate with another person? Or could going out with someone without intimate contact be considered cheating?

Best answer:

Answer by Piglet
It’s got to be physical. Going out with someone without physical contact is called ‘friendship’, and it’s perfectly acceptable.

Know better? Leave your own answer in the comments!

by Mr_Stein

Question by : What kind of therapy or counseling is needed for a habitual cheating husband?
In patient or out?

My husband has cheated in the past and is having an ongoing extra marital relationship now for the past 4yrs. He acts as though she’s no big deal to him so I have not mentioned her in months. He says he does not want a divorce yet he can’t be faithful. For now he is happy “meeting in the middle”

So what kind of therapy is needed to help a cheating husband be faithful?

Best answer:

Answer by Pinkgirl
It sounds like you are the one who needs therapy. You are trying to fix something he doesn’t want to fix. He is fine with you being the door mat and he keeps sowing his wild oats. Sorry, he likes having his cake and eating it too.

Add your own answer in the comments!

by jdlasica

Question by af: Do you get jealous when your managers order big fancy lunches for meetings?
Even though you are constantly bombarded by emails from corporate talking about how the company is having huge financial struggles and we need to make serious cuts. I can’t even get new pens, but these ladies get sushi every friday. I hear their assistant putting it on the company credit card over the phone. I am obviously very jealous. I would like some sushi too.

Best answer:

Answer by Jool
No, the managers where I work are mean, miserable, stressed out, and overworked. How can I be jealous of that?

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Question by ♥Crystal♥: How can I get my husband to eat healthier?
My husband is the unhealthiest eater I’ve ever seen in my life. He’d rather eat cookies and chips for dinner than the yummy home cooked meals I make. He’s 24 and pretty healthy and at a healthy weight right now. He’s also in the military, so he’s kinda forced to work out three times a week. But I’m afraid for his health in the long run. He had a family history of diabetes and heart attacks. I’d really like to keep my husband around and kicking for a long time. Any suggestions?

Best answer:

Answer by VStar Girl
He’s an adult and will eat as he chooses. Prepare healthy meals at home and don’t keep junk food around the house. That way you’ll have done your part. If he wants to eat less healthy items, he’ll have to get them elsewhere. Junk food isn’t bad if it’s an occasional thing and not ones daily diet.

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