- Image by E>mar via Flickr
A person’s ability to ask difficult and sometimes uncomfortable questions of oneself and the other person is a small price to pay if it helps both people avoid an unhealthy or poorly matched relationship. The phrase “pay now or pay later” is very applicable to the dating and decision making process. It’s vital to know if the two of you are compatible for the long term. Great questions can help you to get the answers you’re looking for.
Is the attraction mutual? It is believed by both genders that certain women and men are so desirable, “he’s a catch – she’s a babe” that the issue of mutual attraction is largely ignored.
Here’s an example. Let’s assume that Brittany is hotly pursued by Tony. He is told by many friends that “he would be lucky to be with a girl like her.” Tony wins her over as a result of his pursuit. They date and marry. Now Brittany was impressed by the attention she received from Tony, she felt special, even though she found that there were many things about Tony she didn’t relate to or even like.
As a result of the compliments and kindness she was receiving from him, she ignored many of her thoughts and feelings regarding their relationship. She was also concerned about the possibility of no other man wanting her like he did and thus leaving her alone and lonely.
A number of years into their relationship, Tony realizes that Brittany isn’t that attracted to him and the affection they used to share is absent. Their relationship is in trouble and he’s feeling frustrated and angry. Is the attraction mutual?
Is the attraction mutual over time? Whether we like it or not, it takes time to really get to know each other, to really find out how compatible two people are. It’s well known that most of the activities we engage in each day are governed by our subconscious mind…85 to 90%.
These behaviours are habitual and have usually been a part of our lives for years and years. The remaining 10 to 15% of our activities are carried out by our conscious mind. We make conscious choices about what will eat for dinner, how to respond to a complaining customer, or what to wear to work.
Early in the dating process we are more conscious or conscientious about our clothes, manners, attitude, etc. We usually want to make a good impression. It’s common for members of the relationship to relax on their efforts to conciously try and impress their partner the longer they are together. This is when a person’s conditioned habits and beliefs can be more easily seen by the other party.
This is why people who date and commit too quickly find themselves years later looking at their mate and wondering “who are you?” “You’re not the person I fell in love with!?!?” Correct. The person you fell in love life was consciously behaving in a certain manner. The person you’re now with is the same, except they’re living from their habits, their habitual behaviour, which is what the subconscious mind stores and references for playback.
A great question to ask when dating is…“in order to make the most intelligent decision possible, are you willing to take the necessary time to date me so we can both be sure of our decision?”
The best relationships, the healthy ones, are based on high levels of mutual trust and respect. Trust and respect are earned, not simply given out freely. When we consider deep human relationships of any sort, we are talking about people who have walked together through many different experiences and learned and grown from those experiences.
If a deep, lasting relationship is what you want, then it’s vital to put the relationship to the test while dating. Combined with the pleasurable and fun aspects of marriage, there are the mundane and uninspiring activities. Can you talk about somewhat difficult topics during dating, or is it all just about fun, fun, fun?
The likelihood of you enjoying a good solid marriage will be in no small part determined by your ability to ask important questions during the dating process.
Is the attraction mutual? In order to really get to know the other person and their habitual behaviour, are the two of you willing to date for a year before making a long term commitment to marriage?
Who we are is defined by our habits. It’s not what I do once in a while that is nearly as telling as what I do daily, weekly or monthly. Is the attraction mutual overtime? Do you like their habits? Do you want to marry the kind of habits they’ve got?
Chris Keenan is the founder of Relationship Sharing. They help people share and learn about relationships in small groups via telephone conferencing. If you would like to try their service for free or view the hundreds of free relationship articles they have, go to http://www.relationshipsharing.com for more information. “Why be all alone when you don’t have to?”
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