5 Essentials To Make Relationship Counselling Work

In my work with couples I have discovered that 5 essentials need to be in place for relationship counselling to work. And when relationship counselling works it can be amazingly successful transforming even the longest most sterile relationships!

This is what you need…

1. Goodwill. Both partners need to have goodwill towards the other – the more goodwill the better. This means that both need to approach the counselling process positively looking for a good outcome. A good outcome usually means understanding the relationship and how it works, repairing parts of the relationship that have broken down and looking to develop the relationship into one that is vibrant, alive, fulfilling, nurturing and nourishing.

Both partners need to be prepared to look inwards right into themselves to consider what part they are prepared to own in the relationship not being successful, not giving them what they want or need. It means each person looking inwards to consider what changes they are prepared to make and whether they can let go of past hurts. It can sometimes mean being prepared to end the relationship in a decent civilised way.

2. Commitment. For relationship counselling to work, both partners need to be committed to the process. It’s no good thinking you can drag your partner along to relationship counselling if they are not committed to the relationship and to the idea of counselling as a method of improving things. Relationship counselling is not easy.

It requires commitment in terms of time, money, energy and emotions. Owning up to our own shortcomings, failings and mistakes is not easy, it’s much easier to blame the other. Hearing difficult stuff about ourselves and being able to own it is not easy. Coming to understand where some of our behaviours come from is also not easy. Yet all this is required for couples counselling to work.

3. The ability to compromise. A deal is a process of give and take. Couples counselling is no different. It’s a non- judgemental process and for it to work both parties need to be able to give as well as take. That’s what a compromise is. A nice definition of love is ‘putting the other person’s needs first’. And in relationship counselling that is an essential. For example…What can you do for her? How can I help him?

4. Energy. How much energy does each of you have to make you relationship better? Are you prepared to invest in it, to devote time, money and emotion to transform it into something rewarding and fulfilling. Relationships are dynamic, they keep changing and evolving – just like life and people. If you just do nothing with your relationship, don’t invest in it chances are that it won’t give you much of a return.

5. Honesty. Are you ready to say and hear some difficult things about yourself, your partner and your roles in the relationship? Are you willing to be open and honest about yourself, your feelings and your actions?

The role of the counsellor in relationship counselling is that of facilitator. He or she is not a judge and does not do the actual work, that’s down to the couple. The counsellor is there to facilitate the couple to understand what the real issues are, where they come from and what needs to be changed if the relationship is to be improved. But the work itself is done by the couple.

Now for the good news. When relationship counselling works it can be amazingly successful even after many years of sterility.

Allan Kelly is a BACP Accredited Counsellor in Wimbledon, South-West London. I have a BA Honours Counselling Degree, a Diploma in Counselling, and have been helping providing Counselling in Wimbledon services for people with all manners of issues for the past 7 years. Visit http://www.allankelly.com/sya for more information.

Easily the best way to gain more Love and Harmony in your relationships is to know this life-changing material.

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